winter wonderland: part 2

i love the snow. it makes everybody act like a little kid.

when i left study group tonight it was really coming down. i went for a walk and found half of my neighborhood doing the same. i bet they were all of the out-of-towners, people who miss the seasons and were out to enjoy winter while it lasted. people here don't know what to do with the snow. cars and buses chain up just to drive around town, people stock up on things at the grocery, schools and businesses close just because they can.

as i stepped out my front door flakes the size of snowballs tumbled down around me. with mouth open and tongue extended i couldn't help but catch some good ones. i think these might have been the biggest snowflakes i have ever seen.

even though it was pretty late it was as busy as midday. kids who already knew they will get tomorrow off of school were out enjoying themselves. more than a handful of snowball fights were taking place. several people were doing their best to sled down the hills, but the snow is pretty wet and sticky so they had their work cut out for them.
i spotted a whole civilization of snowpeople, including one built right atop a car. it was complete with stick arms and stone face. there was a house much like the griswolds' from national lampoon's christmas vacation. i'm not even kidding when i say i think i could literally hear the meter ticking. i have no idea what else that buzzing could have been...
i also passed a man out shoveling his walk. he seemed so excited and motivated to get to use his shiny red snow shovel that i didn't have the heart to tell him that the temperature is meant to rise throughout the night, likely melting away all the snow before he wakes up anyway.

even as i walked the snowflakes became smaller and smaller, turning into little ice pellets that stung my cheeks as they struck. by the time i got home what fell was the consistency of thick rain, leaving me soaked and causing my down coat to smell not unlike a wet dog.

there is something so still and soothing about a good snowfall: the way that your footsteps are muffled as they sink into the soft surface; how the cold forces you to bundle up in squishy, cozy layers; how people must slow down so they don't slip and fall or slide into anything as they drive.

sometimes a girl just needs a good walk. i could have walked all night.

















this is the view of snowy seattle from my neighborhood.

tuesday, november 28, 2006

it's a funny thing to be 26 and get a snow day...

i wish i would have gone snowboarding or done something wintery, but i told myself that i HAD to get some homework done. and then i squandered the whole day doing other things. i have absolutely no self discipline. or motivation. where on earth does a person find these things, and how can i get a hold of some? because i have one more week of class and then finals. and i am going to be in very painful and serious trouble if i can't get myself moving and do some good work here really soon.

tomorrow at noon is my lab final. this is the one where i have to strip down, wear a hospital gown, and get examined by my partner. then we switch. it will be nice to just get it over with. i can't wait till this quarter is over, it just can not come soon enough. i'm not even enjoying what we're learning anymore. it is no longer interesting, it is merely a battle to force myself to sit down, open the books and do what i have to do.

i would like to formally appologize for being such a negative grumpus pants lately. it's winter and i've got the blues. does everyone know that this has been the wettest winter on record in seattle? because it has. it has been dark and cold and terrible. and i live in a place with one tiny window that never gets any light. last winter i worked in a basement below a morgue. i can't decide which is worse. at least i got paid for being in the basement.

alright, i'm going to go make sure i have all the junk i need for my final tomorrow. stethoscope: check. pen light: check. tongue blade: check. watch with seconds hand: check. cotton ball, reflex hammer, gloves...
maybe tomorrow will be cancelled too.

that is such good news

guess what?

tomorrow is a snow day! yippy!
i think we probably have to make it up next week, but for now i will revel in the joy of getting to sleep in instead of dragging my tired little bones out of bed into the cold, dark world at 5 in the morning.

thank you Jesus. thank you.

the winter of my discontent

it has been snowing for most of the day here. i sat in the window of caffe vita drinking coffee and writing things for much of the afternoon, watching other people come in and out, listening to bits and pieces of conversations, pretending to be invisible at my little table in the corner. sometimes i wish i were. sometimes i think i am.

it got cold in my corner after a while. i caught a chill with the door opening and closing every few minutes, the huge single paned plate glass window letting the cold right at me, the cement floor and brick walls radiating the winter. i came home to take a hot bath but the hot water was out from laundry. so i heated up some thanksgiving leftovers, made some hot tea, and watched reality bites. when it was over i put on my shiny blue jacket with the yellow "shooting stars" logo across the back and my name embroidered on the front from when i played soccer in middle school and went for a walk around the snowy neighborhood. it's a winter wonderland out there. it's not really cold enough for the snow to stick properly, so the streets and sidewalks are big wet slushy messes and the snow, still falling from the sky in huge flakes, instantly turns to liquid as it hits anything. if it were colder we'd probably have 2 feet by now.

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sometimes i really wish that i had the ability to love people without getting personally involved. i wish i could remove myself and my feelings from (certain) relationships, that i could love people and care for them and give of myself without thinking about what it does to me, how i am affected. to love without investing like i do, without becoming so damn vulnerable all the time.

i think that maybe i love differently than other people.
sometimes that really hurts. sometimes i just feel so very foolish... especially with the people that i thought and hoped would commit and invest back. sometimes it makes me feel like i don't matter, or that i'm not worth as much to them as they are to me.

and i guess that maybe i'm not. not that i'm not loved, valued and important because i know that i totally am. and not that this is even a bad thing. but to me the most important thing in the world is the people in it. i don't really know what else there is to care about. and i feel like love is a choice, that once i have chosen to love someone i am taking responsibility for doing it well.

and i wish that i knew how to just take the things that people offer me and let that be enough. and i wish that i didn't want things that i can't have, and i wish that i could just be content with things as they are and be in this time now instead of trying to change things or make things into other things that they just aren't, and i wish that i could be happy for the great stuff that other people have instead of secretly feeling kind of envious or scared that they love other things more than me, and i wish that i could trust God more. and i wish i could just let things go instead of holding on so tight...
and i wish i knew how to not be so mad at myself for not being able to do any of these things well right now.

and i know that things will all work out just fine, just as they are meant to. they always do. and i know that things just take time. just a little more time and things will be better.
and i know that one day i'll look back and see how all of this made me better, more into who i want to be. one day i will find the arms of Jesus and all of this just won't matter.

until then you can find me here, just doing my best to make sense of these things before me.

thanks for all the giving

everyone is busy doing thanksgivingy things: making turkeys and stuffing and pumpkin pies and old family recipes, going to visit family or having lots of people over, and feeling all generally happy and thankful for things. it's a nice time of year.

thanksgiving is my very favorite holiday, the one that i most look forward to all year long. it's a time to relax and be lazy, to be with some of the people in this world that i love the most (how is wish the rest of you weren't so far away), and to officially kick off the 'ol holiday season.

i hope hope hope that this day is really delightful for each and every one of you, and i hope that each of you knows how very thankful i am that you are a part of my life and a part of the reason that i am me today. i shall raise a glass to you at dinner.

enjoy that turkey or that vegetarian stuffing or whatever it is that you love most.
happy thanksgiving, friends.

connections and contradictions

sorry i haven't posted in a couple of days. i have been thinking some pretty heavy thoughts and haven't quite been sure what is appropriate for such a venue. i mean, i'm just not so sure blogs are really the place where deep and serious (and personal) thoughts belong. if you know me and want to ask about it feel free.

but this weekend did hold some pretty, um... interesting things.
friday night was a dance party where a few of my worlds finally met. more than i actually even realized at the time, as the next morning i discovered that the host of the party is also the brother of a kid i went to western with my sophmore year and who is now in the peace corps in mongolia. i will say this: the world is tiny. teeny tiny.

then saturday night, after getting my groove on and getting down friday, was a cocktail party. there were some adventures in dressing pre-event, due to a shoddy zipper. but things all finally worked out and i was actually complimented on my hotness several times throughout the evening. apparently i have a nice rack.
this was one of the strangest parties i have ever been to in my life. thank you, katie meyer.

miss washington

no, i didn't win a beauty pageant. (only because i didn't enter.)

after 3 1/2 hours driving all over western washington and 1/4 tank of gas, i guess i officially "belong" to washington state again. i got my drivers license and registration yesterday, which were the last barriers between me and residency. so it's official. they called and told me so. i will get all of the extra money that i paid last quarter for out of state tuition as a credit for next quarter's tuition, and from now on i will pay in-state rates.

thank you, jesus. this is amazing.

picture pages

as promised, here i am in full scrub glory. (doesn't purple make my complexion look so rosy?)
i'm in the lunchroom in the nurses' lounge at the hospital. the sign behind me says something about how gross the fridge smells.


















and here is my clinical group. the 8 of us will be in the hospital together for the whole 2 years, i hope. they're all pretty much great.


i should get some photos of my study group so you can meet them, too. i'll see them tomorrow night--maybe the camera will come with me.
can you say: "study break?"

it's all in the hips

rain rain, go away,
come on back another day.
if you don't i don't care,
i'll pull down your underwear.

is that how it really goes, because it seems like that must be a combination of a couple of children's rhymes...

but i will tell you that i do feel that way. i'm really sick of dark and rain and cold. and it's only november. my happy thought is simply that all of this rain down here must mean good snow in the mountains. which = fun soon. AND i just discovered that my friends at school like to snowboard too... they just keep getting better!

raise your hand if you think it's stupid for me to run the seattle half marathon in two weeks. even though i've been hurt and haven't been training i'm really tempted to give it a shot anyway. i can't decide if this is the dumbest idea i've had in a long time, if that would be unwise and nothing more than harmful to me, or if i'm being too wussy by staying off of it. as with everything else in life, i have found so much contradictory information about hip flexor injuries. some research says to stay off of it entirely until things are as good as new, some says that as long as the muscle isn't torn entirely it's okay to keep training even through mild to moderate pain.
it may be a bad sign for a future health care worker to be so confused about this seemingly simple problem, but i confess that i have no idea who to believe or what is right. therefore, i'm seeking your expert advice. (maybe jennifer miller the pt is reading???)

i'm going to bed. crazy, isn't it? impressed, aren't you? i have decided that i have to start getting smart about sleeping proper amounts (with me, this will probably last, what--a day and a half?). next quarter i'm in the hospital twice a week and if i keep sleeping so terribly when they start giving me real responsibility, it's going to be scary for everyone in town.

i took some pictures of me in my scrubs last week. stay tuned, i'll post them soon.

what will they think of next

last night i pulled out the old electric blanket and slept in glorious warmth.

having an electric blanket in the first place kind of makes me feel like a little old lady. it kind of makes me feel like a big wuss that can't even just use blankets like the rest of the world. it seems like a needless extravagance, a gross and wimpy luxury.

but i will say that it was the best thing that ever happened to me when i got it. being in ohio in the winter in a room without heat got to be what one might call "cold." and crawling into bed beneath chilly sheets that took ages to warm up was miserable. and once things finally did warm up, every time i would roll over or shift around, i would drift into a cold patch and be jarred back to consciousness from the shivering that would ensue. so i bought my sage green electric blanket. and life improved.

the best part about having this marvel of modern technology is that it enables me to climb into a pre-warmed, already cozy bed. if you have never experienced this, i will tell you that it is magical and highly recommend that you try it out sometime. once when i visited a village in england where my friend poppy lived, i stayed in an old, drafty cottage in a bed so tall i had to jump to get into it. beneath the layers and layers of quilts and blankets, the bed was lined with the biggest hot water bottles i have ever seen in my life. same concept--but i will say that i think pushing a little button is probably easier than boiling all that water and then transporting it to its destination. and i always wonder what would happen if the hot water bottle(s) broke...

perhaps you are reading this and discovering that everything you thought about me was a lie. perhaps you respect me less for being so weak and shallow as to enjoy this kind of pleasantry. perhaps you're totally inspired to go out and get your very own electric blanket.

all know is that i love crawling into my preheated little oven bed.

i saw something today

i saw something today. it was both completely amazing and completely horrifying at the same time. it made me laugh right out loud to myself, alone in my car; and only seconds later tense all the muscles in my body in an uncomfortable cringe.

at first i thought it was just your normal lady on the street wearing one of those placards advertising for some mattress store. you see them all the time these days, at least you do around here. it was sort of a chilly, rainy day here, and i can only imagine what a joy it must be to stand out there on a busy corner waving at passing cars as if you you actually care whether your smiling and waving lures them like suckers to whatever establishment you're advertising.

as i sat at the stoplight and watched her, though, i realized what was happening. i started seeing that this woman was moving her body as she stood there. initially i thought, "well sure, it's cold out and a lady's gotta stay warm somehow, right?" but no. no, no, noooooo. this was nothing of the sort. there was no jumping up and down, or shifting of weight from one foot to the other; no rubbing of palms together, no general shaking around. no. i stared in horror as reality struck. sometimes it really does sting...

she was, um, dancing? this 40-something woman, puffy from layers of sweats--with hood up-- and coated in a wet, yellow poncho, was doing some sort of interpretive dancing. no it can not really be called "interpretive" so much as, well, grinding. she was grinding on her sign as the cars splashed passed. her arms were up, her hips were most definitely gyrating, and she was short enough that when she would start bending her knees and get low in a seriously "tempting" sort of way, the signs on either side of her would hit the ground and sort of knock her over a little bit. and every time someone would wave back, or turn the corner towards the mattress outlet or wherever the hell she was promoting, she would get really pumped, make a fist, shake her head yes and dance harder, feeling some sort of victory or triumph.

i mean, i'm really glad that she was at least enjoying herself out there. whatever makes the job more bearable, i guess... i will say that it made me feel really uncomfortable, though; sort of embarassed or dirty or something. or maybe it just makes me feel a little sad that her day was spent out there in the wet and cold while i was doing all of these so-called fun and important things, and yet she was still somehow having more fun than me. i don't know.
but it sure did make that red light seem like enternity.

nursing practice: 302

i took TWO marbles. i have no idea what they're for, but if they're going to make me sit here for 3 hours after two tests, a take home and a paper, the least they can do is give me some damn marbles. i mean, am i right?

sometimes i think about how much i'm paying for this and it's about the most unbelievable thing i can imagine. it's a close second to Jesus dying on the cross to save humanity... if this is the number 1 school in the country, i'm really curious about those other programs.

whatever.
anyway, i'm really only staying because our professor (who looks like the lady from the incredibles who makes all the costumes for the superheros) told us that at 3:45 we'll get "a special treat." i wasn't here when she announced this, so i'm not exactly sure what she said or how she said it. just from hearing my friends tell me this, in my head i feel like all it probably means is that we get something awesome like the extra marbles that were leftover in the box. but my friends seem to think that it might actually be something worth sticking around for and i trust them. (we'll see if that's still true at 4...) plus, it's too early for happy hour anyway.

45 more minutes. we're talking about stool.
really, what else do you say after this?

night shift

wow, it is really late and i still have a fair amount of work to do. part of me hates this. part of me doesn't mind so much. there is something kind of nice about being the only person up on my block. it is cold and rainy out, i'm in my sweats, sitting at my desk listening to nice music and working on my paper under the light of my eiffel tower lamp. i'm learning lots of things and feeling really tired but kind of smart. i know the truth is that any primate on earth could know the things that i am learning if they were crazy enough to read these fat textbooks or have access to the online journals. it's a pretty strange thing to live as a student; kind of a bittersweet existence. it is really, really hard. it is hard to remember sometimes that my identity and worth do not come from any success or failure in this program; tough to remember that this whole mess is not a mistake but that i am here for some sort of reason; that no matter how tired i get or how much money it winds up costing, i will be okay; that life is a balance and those times i want to do fun things i should probably be working and those times i'm working i should be sure to have fun too. i think i'm getting used to it all again. i think i've already come a really long way, even just in a few weeks.

tomorrow after all of this madness is done we're going to happy hour. call me if you want to come, i'd love for you to meet my friends and classmates. it's really exciting to think about 3 whole days off and no reason not to drink: i don't have to get up early friday morning, i don't have any homework to do tomorrow night, no more tests or papers to turn in... all of that will start again on saturday.
i guess i really should focus on knocking out this current paper and getting to bed at some point. hope you're all tucked in nice and tight, dreaming of beautiful things and lovely people...

school school school school school school.
school school school school school school school school school school school school.
school school school.
school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school.

school.
yuck.
bed?
no, school.
yes yes, school indeed.

i really wanted the plague

but instead i got candidiasis, the hardest topic in the hat. figures...
if i were a good student, a motivated student, i'd be done with it already. or at least with the research. and yet because i am NOT a good or motivated student, i have barely even started. but that's okay, because all i have to do besides this paper by thursday is study for anatomy and physiology, start and finish my take home for pathophysiology, my patient chart note for lab tomorrow, my write up from the hospital today, and all of the readings.

but then we get friday off. thank you Jesus.

then maybe i will be able to sleep for a long, long time...
whatever, i don't have time to daydream right now. my disease awaits. hope you are all doing great and feeling content with your lives.

i hate this. has it been two years yet?

take me home, country roads

tonight i wanted just to take a drive, to wander on dark country roads, my high beams the only light on the wet pavement. but in seattle there aren't so many country roads. there's really not much country around here, unless you drive miles and miles. i made due with crossing the water over one bridge and returning over the other. it didn't really do much for me, honestly. it just wasn't the same.

yesterday i went swimming for the first time since going with the nelsonville kids in september. it wasn't nearly as fun, and the people weren't nearly as nice. i am being forced by my sore hip flexor to cross train for a bit--i'm hoping a very short bit. i don't really like swimming laps that much. i find it kind of boring, and i'm not very good at it. and it really doesn't give me nearly the same kind of satisfaction as running does.

the pool at the ima is 25 meters long, which means that 72 lengths or 36 laps make one mile. i will tell you this: that is a lot of stinkin' laps. since i can't count i have no idea how many i actually did, but i know that it wasn't anywhere near that many.

maybe i'll use this opportunity to train to swim the english channel. it's only 20 miles across the strait of dover--a mere 1440 lengths at the ima pool, or 720 laps. next time i swim i'm going to imagine i'm already there. they call that "visualization."

narrative or list

it's dark, cold, rainy... hello, seattle. i've missed you.

while running in the dark, cold and rain tonight i realized a few important things:
-wearing glasses while running in the dark, cold and rain makes it hard to see. especially when headlights are shining right at you. i have a cap that i wear when it rains. i pull it down close over my glasses, and usually that does the trick. but not when it rains as hard as it did tonight. i had to stop twice and dry the lenses, which was interesting because the only cotton i had on was my underwear. i mean, i had no choice. it had to be done.
-being soaked with rain makes you heavier. and slower. and squishy in the shoes.
-sometimes it's more fun to stop trying to jump over the puddles and to instead just hop straight on in. this also seems to amuse people in cars watching you.
-less people go out when it's rainy. it's really nice.

after being out in the dark, cold and rain, there is nothing nicer than coming home, taking a hot shower, and putting on comfy warm clothes. like my new black sweatpants. i love my new black sweatpants. they're from the boys section at target (thanks for the tip, mich). does it disturb any of the rest of you that little boys' clothes seem to fit me better than those made for actual grown-up women? what do you think this says about my body? because seriously, they fit me perfectly in every way.

i better go study for the test i have tomorrow. it's a big one. and i have to do really well because i sucked it up really bad on the last one.
but before i go, a request: please e-mail me, send me links to fun things online (without sound, please), pictures of you or something nice, or update your blogs. i have 6 hours in class tomorrow, during which time i will check my e-mail and your blogs at least 14 times in a desperate effort to not slip into a coma. i know i can count on you.

only me to blame

i don't know if i have ever, in my entire life, actually taken full advantage of the opportunities i get. i am a person of entropy, of lowest energy and greatest chaos. perhaps there was a time when this was fine, when getting by, doing well without much time or effort was acceptable, perhaps even impressive.

but i find myself wondering now how much more i could know, how much more of a full mind, how much richer a girl i could be if i had actually read those books they assigned instead of reading a summary or two and finding a couple of good quotes for the paper, or if i actually tried to understand the material instead of simply cramming the bold words into my mind on the bus in the morning, or if i had soaked up the wisdom displayed before me instead of brushing it aside because of my own pride...

i am thinking all of this because i currently see two very different paths before me for how the next two years could play out. there is the path where i actually do all of the readings, where i do my assignments on time, where i study and review and retain the information i am meant to learn, where i get to know my professors and ask them for help and direction.

or there is the old familiar path that i fear i have already started down: the one where i read some of the pages and skim the rest, interested in the bare minimum needed to pass; the path where i can never legitimately cross any of the assignments off because i only half-heartedly completed enough of them to get by; the one where it looks to everyone else that i am doing fine while i am actually completely lost and too afraid or embarassed to ask questions because really, it won't matter after i'm done with that quiz anyway.

when studying liberal arts this kind of attitude is definitely a shame; but when i am entering a career where peoples' lives will be in my hands... how can i be so apathetic, so complacent, so lazy about this?

plus, i get to be here now, i get to attend the best nursing school in this country. i am being taught by some of the best nurses that exist. they have tons of experience and knowledge and wisdom to impart to me if i will let them, they want me to succeed, they want to make me into a really incredible nurse. and i am pissing all of that away as i sit and complain about how disorganized the program is, how expensive the books are, and how pompous the department is. maybe all of this is true, maybe my complaints actually are legitimate.

but so what? that does not change that i have an unbelievable opportunity to learn tons over the next two years, and to work with some of the best experts in the best facilities in the world. i don't want to get to the end of this and wish i'd studied just a little bit harder, or met more often with that professor, or not given up until i finally got that concept. at the end of the day i will have to pass the boards just like everyone else. and that i will not be able to fake (thank goodness...). but still, this is the chance of a lifetime and i pray to Jesus that i will not squander it. i want to do the best job that a human can do and i want to take full and complete advantage of this time--sleepless nights, coffee filled days, uncomfortable clinicals and all. this is what i get, right now. i don't understand why, i just know that i don't want to waste it.