the winter of my discontent

it has been snowing for most of the day here. i sat in the window of caffe vita drinking coffee and writing things for much of the afternoon, watching other people come in and out, listening to bits and pieces of conversations, pretending to be invisible at my little table in the corner. sometimes i wish i were. sometimes i think i am.

it got cold in my corner after a while. i caught a chill with the door opening and closing every few minutes, the huge single paned plate glass window letting the cold right at me, the cement floor and brick walls radiating the winter. i came home to take a hot bath but the hot water was out from laundry. so i heated up some thanksgiving leftovers, made some hot tea, and watched reality bites. when it was over i put on my shiny blue jacket with the yellow "shooting stars" logo across the back and my name embroidered on the front from when i played soccer in middle school and went for a walk around the snowy neighborhood. it's a winter wonderland out there. it's not really cold enough for the snow to stick properly, so the streets and sidewalks are big wet slushy messes and the snow, still falling from the sky in huge flakes, instantly turns to liquid as it hits anything. if it were colder we'd probably have 2 feet by now.

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sometimes i really wish that i had the ability to love people without getting personally involved. i wish i could remove myself and my feelings from (certain) relationships, that i could love people and care for them and give of myself without thinking about what it does to me, how i am affected. to love without investing like i do, without becoming so damn vulnerable all the time.

i think that maybe i love differently than other people.
sometimes that really hurts. sometimes i just feel so very foolish... especially with the people that i thought and hoped would commit and invest back. sometimes it makes me feel like i don't matter, or that i'm not worth as much to them as they are to me.

and i guess that maybe i'm not. not that i'm not loved, valued and important because i know that i totally am. and not that this is even a bad thing. but to me the most important thing in the world is the people in it. i don't really know what else there is to care about. and i feel like love is a choice, that once i have chosen to love someone i am taking responsibility for doing it well.

and i wish that i knew how to just take the things that people offer me and let that be enough. and i wish that i didn't want things that i can't have, and i wish that i could just be content with things as they are and be in this time now instead of trying to change things or make things into other things that they just aren't, and i wish that i could be happy for the great stuff that other people have instead of secretly feeling kind of envious or scared that they love other things more than me, and i wish that i could trust God more. and i wish i could just let things go instead of holding on so tight...
and i wish i knew how to not be so mad at myself for not being able to do any of these things well right now.

and i know that things will all work out just fine, just as they are meant to. they always do. and i know that things just take time. just a little more time and things will be better.
and i know that one day i'll look back and see how all of this made me better, more into who i want to be. one day i will find the arms of Jesus and all of this just won't matter.

until then you can find me here, just doing my best to make sense of these things before me.