only me to blame

i don't know if i have ever, in my entire life, actually taken full advantage of the opportunities i get. i am a person of entropy, of lowest energy and greatest chaos. perhaps there was a time when this was fine, when getting by, doing well without much time or effort was acceptable, perhaps even impressive.

but i find myself wondering now how much more i could know, how much more of a full mind, how much richer a girl i could be if i had actually read those books they assigned instead of reading a summary or two and finding a couple of good quotes for the paper, or if i actually tried to understand the material instead of simply cramming the bold words into my mind on the bus in the morning, or if i had soaked up the wisdom displayed before me instead of brushing it aside because of my own pride...

i am thinking all of this because i currently see two very different paths before me for how the next two years could play out. there is the path where i actually do all of the readings, where i do my assignments on time, where i study and review and retain the information i am meant to learn, where i get to know my professors and ask them for help and direction.

or there is the old familiar path that i fear i have already started down: the one where i read some of the pages and skim the rest, interested in the bare minimum needed to pass; the path where i can never legitimately cross any of the assignments off because i only half-heartedly completed enough of them to get by; the one where it looks to everyone else that i am doing fine while i am actually completely lost and too afraid or embarassed to ask questions because really, it won't matter after i'm done with that quiz anyway.

when studying liberal arts this kind of attitude is definitely a shame; but when i am entering a career where peoples' lives will be in my hands... how can i be so apathetic, so complacent, so lazy about this?

plus, i get to be here now, i get to attend the best nursing school in this country. i am being taught by some of the best nurses that exist. they have tons of experience and knowledge and wisdom to impart to me if i will let them, they want me to succeed, they want to make me into a really incredible nurse. and i am pissing all of that away as i sit and complain about how disorganized the program is, how expensive the books are, and how pompous the department is. maybe all of this is true, maybe my complaints actually are legitimate.

but so what? that does not change that i have an unbelievable opportunity to learn tons over the next two years, and to work with some of the best experts in the best facilities in the world. i don't want to get to the end of this and wish i'd studied just a little bit harder, or met more often with that professor, or not given up until i finally got that concept. at the end of the day i will have to pass the boards just like everyone else. and that i will not be able to fake (thank goodness...). but still, this is the chance of a lifetime and i pray to Jesus that i will not squander it. i want to do the best job that a human can do and i want to take full and complete advantage of this time--sleepless nights, coffee filled days, uncomfortable clinicals and all. this is what i get, right now. i don't understand why, i just know that i don't want to waste it.