disclaimer

over the last few months i have been having what i will call, for lack of a better term, an inner struggle. it has just been such a weird time... part of me is still adamant about how all of this really, in the grand scheme of things, is no big deal. yes, there have been some moments where i have been emotional, or when things physically were terrible, or times that were just plain weird. but i know that people go through so very much worse, and even in my worst times i just know that i am so very lucky.

and so i struggle with what to share, and how to share it. that link i posted a little while back of the story on npr was sort of a catalyst for me. it got me connected to a number of people's cancer blogs, which were/have been extremely helpful for me as this time has unfolded. it is odd how total strangers can sometimes understand and relate to things in your life better than even your closest people. part of me wanted to post things on here that would maybe wind up helping someone else one day like those blogs helped me--but then again arose the entire internal debate about whether or not what i have been going through is actually worth talking about. i don't want to whine, or complain, or be a total wimp about things that are really not a very big deal.

i have clearly thought about all of this way more than i need to or should. and what i have decided is that, whatever is or is not true about the degree of badness of this situation, it has still produced many stories that are worth telling. if they get boring or seem whiny to you, i give you my full permission to pretend that i never wrote them.

i am not sure in what order i will tell my stories. chronological seems sensical, though i tend to think of them much more randomly. regardless, they'll be here soon.

i have so many things to say about this time in my life...
and i hope to say them at some point. soon.

but for now i just want to thank my friends and all of the people who have been so wonderful during everything. three months ago i could have never predicted the range of things i have felt and encountered, and i do not know how i would have made it if you hadn't been around to talk with, and laugh with, and cry with.

today's victory was that i got to eat real food.
tomorrow i get to start my meds.
the new normal will start soon. it is coming.

i think i plan ahead pretty well... and then realize i have not. i may have thought about what needs to be done but fully underestimate how long it will take. or how late i will start. or just how much actually must be done. the worst is usually before i go on a big trip, like the time i went to costa rica for 3 months. shorter trips are a little better, but i usually don't get much sleep the night before i leave. this time i will blame the fact that i have never done this before and just really don't know what to expect. it's kind of like baby proofing the house for myself... a little different.
i'm really looking forward to a time when this is done and i'm less tired. that will be a nice time. and i will not take it for granted.

i don't know how long npr will have this available, but i really liked it. give it a listen. there's a lot to think about in here.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=112563650

i started out the day like this:






















and am ending it like this. no more staples.

cut - it - out

tomorrow is my surgery. tomorrow. technically it's even today.
it has already come. this is one of those weird times when i know things are coming, and each day they get closer, and i feel like an outside observer of my own life as i wait and count down. it seems pretty unreal in some ways; every now and then it hits me and i feel one of many different emotions. but mostly i think i'm still in denial.

sometimes i wish that i were not such a sentimental human. sometimes i wish i was more even, more gentle.

what has surprised me the most about all of this is the body image stuff it has brought up. i suddenly feel very vain and shallow for being so concerned about what my neck will look like after all of this. i won't even know how much he'll cut until i wake up after surgery; it might be 2 inches, it might be a whole lot more. surprise!

part of me is really ready to just get all of this over with. i'm really tired of talking about it and thinking about it and waiting for the next thing to happen. and yet... i still feel kind of sad that this time tomorrow my body will be a part short. i really don't get why i feel this way. i don't think i'd feel like this if i was losing my tonsils or my appendix. i guess those parts don't have any real function, unlike the thyroid.

well anyway, i want to try and get to sleep before the birds start chirping. there's no real hope once those b's start all their racket.

who knows, maybe you'll get lucky and i'll post something when i'm totally narced up. keep your fingers crossed (?)...
later on.