like a ballerina

i love this time of the day. this time of the year a lot of the day looks like this time of day, with the light at such a steep and sleepy slant that dusk goes on for hours. from my seat i can see the snowy mountains to the east in that soft orange light and it is beautiful.

it is hard for me to believe that christmas is in 13 days. my whole family had other plans for thanksgiving, so i celebrated that holiday with others. now it looks like the same is true for christmas too. i'm starting to think i need to find a new family for these things. all my friends are leaving too, or celebrating with their own families. i kind of wish i were working so i at would at least have something to do. maybe that's why i can't come up with any good presents. who really cares if we won't even be together?

so it turns out that "graceful" does not describe me at all.

i am in the process of looking for a new endocrinologist. i can't take dr sunshine anymore. nobody should talk to me like he does, and i certainly should not pay someone so much to do so.

he continues to tell me that i am permanently broken and that my parathyroids will never get better. i must say, his evidence this time was more compelling than the last (despite my calcium being extremely low, my pth was not even measurable); yet i still do not believe that he can definitively say that i will never get better. he says he wants to be honest with me, which i certainly do appreciate. but i think that him saying that i will never get better is just as dishonest as him saying that i definitely will. how does he know? doesn't he know, after all of this time as a doctor, that every body is different, and sometimes improbable things can happen, and numbers can change all the time? i feel like the more i'm alive and the more i work in health care the more real the impractical and unexpected becomes. i guess in medicine it seems to usually be in a bad way... but why does it always have to be?

and besides the fact that he very well might be wrong, i also feel like, even if he's not, he could at least let me think that he might be for a little while longer. i mean, it's been a rough couple of months. there has been a lot of bad news and things to adjust to, and even if i never do get better and this really is permanent, it would be nice to have a bit more time to get used to some of the other changes before having to accept one more. how hard is it to say that, even though it doesn't look good right now, nothing is certain. keep hoping. because i'm going to anyway whether or not you want me to you big jerk.

see, graceful...