thursday 3 september, 2009:

one week till the chop shop...
yesterday dr. b. said he might make a long horizontal incision across my neck all the way to the node on my left side, making what i thought would be a 2-3 inch incision into a 6-8 inch one instead. we'll see.

it's strange to think that one day i'll read this looking backwards, already knowing what happened. right now i can only look ahead and wonder. i'm pretty nervous about this whole business. i'm feeling pretty sad and anxious these days. i'm trying to let it be, just let myself feel what it feels like right now in the middle of all of this. but i also just want to ignore it, push it away, distract myself. and so i keep very busy and sleep very little.

i've been riding my motorcycle a lot, and monday was boating and swimming with the school gang. bob and annie and andy are in town this week, so that's been really fun. today we picked blackberries at magnuson and i made a pie for everyone. i love picking blackberries. it always reminds me of the time michele and renea and i made jam the first year we were friends.

life is so funny, so strange. every minute is so full of potential; sometimes i wish i didn't have to sleep so i could be present the whole time i'm alive, not miss a single thing.

i hope i'm a good patient. i hope i don't embarrass myself and say something crazy under anesthesia. i hope i'm nice to the nurses. i hope everything goes well...