well what do you know?

1. i did not know that so many people read my blog. hello everyone!

2. i feel surprised and happy that people really took to heart the "i wonder where we'll all be in 5 years" post. i guess we'll just have to wait and see.

tomorrow is my last day at the hospital with the crazy-ass instructor. katie also finishes the bar. fun will be had. oh so very much fun...

they seem to have raked the dirt/gravel path that goes around the lake, or tilled it for planting the spring crops--it has been groomed in some fashion or another. if i used logic i would probably say that it was done so water would run off better instead of collecting into the giant puddles that appear when it rains. but if any of you reading this was responsible for this action, please allow me to say this: it doesn't work. at all. the water now simply collects into long puddles in the furrows between the raised rows, making things like running treacherous. the elevated rows are so very narrow, meaning it is entirely feasible that an ankle will be twisted if a foot is not cautiously placed. also, besides the long, narrow puddles formed in the rain, the mud becomes soft and sloppy now and slides around beneath your feet instead of remaining at all stable.
life is so hard.

alright, i have to find my hospital pass so that i can be sure and turn it in tomorrow. yippy! thank the Lord it's nearly done!

" 'What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is a breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is as the little shadow that runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.'--Said by Chief Crowfoot, Blackfoot Indian Chief.

"This last entry was written in red ink and decorated with a border of green-ink stars; the anthologist wished to emphasize its 'personal significance.' 'A breath of a buffalo in the wintertime'--that exactly evoked his view of life. Why worry? What was there to 'sweat about'? Man was nothing, a mist, a shadow absorbed by shadows.

"But damn it, you do worry, scheme, fret over your fingernails and the warnings of hotel managements: 'SU DIA TERMINA A LAS 2 P.M.' "

-Truman Capote, In Cold Blood

what's the world got in store

just sitting here, learning about sars and other respiratory problems...

why does it always become so difficult to concentrate on things or to care about them at all right around this part of the quarter?
there is so much to get done..

where do you think we'll all be five years from now? sometimes i wonder about things like this. it's easier to guess with some folks than others--people with real jobs and kids and junk generally seem pretty "settled." but for the rest of us...
personally i really don't have any significant commitments or connections to anything or anyone in a single place. the people i love are all really spread out, and most of them i've lived far away from for some/most of our relationships. i don't have a husband or kids or a house or car payments... next year i will graduate with a skill that can be used pretty much anywhere in the world. so what will i do? where will i go? how many of and who among you will keep me around as a part of your lives? and what the heck will each of you be doing?

i know that it's pretty much impossible to predict anything about the future. every time i have ever tried to guess what might happen a million things have come along that i never could have imagined to change things. being here again now is not something i really ever expected.

i like that life can be full of surprises. i like thinking that anything is possible, that there are endless options, that there will always be more to see and try and experience. i even sort of like, despite the way i constantly fight it and struggle against it, that i'm really not in control of things. who knows if i'll even still be alive five years from now...

i think if i survive finals this quarter the odds are looking a little better, though. i'm going to go work on that now.

o. r. they?

seriously guys, it's funny every time...

the operating room is not for the faint hearted. i will spare those of you who are that, but if you want to hear some INSANE stories give me a holler. i got some real doozies today.

i'm really looking forward to sleeping and then waking up and listening to my two favorite npr shows. i love saturdays. i only wish i didn't have to think so much about all of the homework i have to do. and then i wish i didn't have to actually do it all. remember how it was really nice to have a job instead of being in school for a while? i hope i can find a job in nursing that doesn't totally suck.

i love it

all they ask you to do is run around the lake with lots of nice, fun people, and then they give you free stuff and feed you. if you ask me that is one heck of a deal. they also take $5 off the registration price for the st. patty's day dash.

today i worked with a patient who had a total knee replacement surgery and lots of accompanying complications. of course i was paranoid that the doctor was going to tell me i was next...
but fortunately he said there is nothing structurally wrong with my knee. i will do 6 weeks of physical therapy and then see how it feels. i have been thinking about rehab nursing for a while. maybe i'll see about seeing about it over the summer, since it looks like i'm going to have to be here anyway.

tomorrow i go to the o.r.
everytime i say that i think about rushmore when:

max fisher says to luke wilson: "nice nurse's scrubs."
luke wilson: "they're o.r. scrubs."
max fisher: "o. r. they?"

that will never not be funny to me. i love it.

it will be nice to be in a different environment away from the same old things, away from the crazy instructor (who, by the way, completely LOVES me now. bi.polar. in the last 5 days everyone else has somehow magically gotten on her bad side and now i am her favorite. things that i don't understand: #1.), and to see what nurses do in this other world. i think:
it will either be totally awesome;
or
completely suck.
we shall see.

when the sun comes out

like i said, it was a lovely, warm-ish, sunny day in seattle. which means that everyone came out to play.

there was a woman running with her dog, only she had the leash tied right around her waist like a belt atop her black capri tights and oversized shirt. i think it was an attempt to conserve energy by being towed by the animal, however the dog was very overweight and panting and no help to this woman at all.

i saw two men peeing on trees as their dogs did the same.

and the sky was incredible...
for a single moment it was lit up this silvery glowing pink.
and then it went grey.
just like that, it was over. it didn't fade slowly, it didn't hold on and ease you into evening; it simply ended.

whoah.

let's put something new up just to move on from that last one.

it's a nice sunny day in seattle and i'm going to go look at mt rainier until class starts again.
later.

to publish or not to publish...

how much does one take before saying enough?

this is a question i have been pondering for a while now, about several situations in my life. sometimes i think i put up with too much, or put up with things for longer than i should. i like to give people the benefit of the doubt. or i forget why i was upset in the first place, or feel stupid for getting upset and don't want to admit that the things that were bothering me were actually bothering me. i take blame for things i shouldn't, or am just too jaded or complacent or lazy to confront people when i probably should.

sometimes i just wish i could hide, disappear, be invisible and do my own thing. i like being independent. i like to do what i want. i resent being told what to do, or being told that i have to meet some criteria that makes no sense for me because everyone else has to. i don't like wasting time going in circles to prove to someone else what i already know about myself when i could be using that time doing something useful, or fun. and i don't like it when people presume to know things about me based on someone else they think i'm like, or something someone else said about me, without ever giving me a chance themselves. i'm too old to be babied in an undergrad program again and too young to have the patience to deal with it. i'm antsy. i'm sick of hoops and irritated that they keep holding more up before us every step of the way.

and i don't like being taken for granted. i don't like that i let people treat me badly or hurt my feelings time and again and yet still stick around because i'm such a sap. i don't like that i make mistakes sometimes, that i can't save the world, and that there are sad things and mean people in the lives of people i love. what ever happened to the innocence of childhood...

one of these days:
1. you will stop reading this;
2. i will stop bitching about everything...

and maybe even be fun again.

there's no title here

i did my taxes and my fafsa today. i feel so productive. i also got to use some power tools and put up some drywall. and i had ice cream for breakfast. all in all it was a pretty fine day.

i'm getting pretty excited about going to florida for spring break. every time i say that i just want to shout out (and often do, mind you) SPRING BREAK! WOOOO!!! it's just so mtv to go to tampa for spring break and lay on the beach, soak in some sun... those of you currently in the throes of winter may relate to my feelings of delight at the thought of wearing short sleeves and maybe even sandals. and i get to see cara for a week. you should all be envious of that.

my grandparents live about 45 minutes away and i will be the first person in the family to visit them in their not-so-new home. i have been told to be prepared for them to show me off to all of their friends in the community. i guess i'm representing the whole family, so i hope i do a good job.

as excited as i am for all of this sunny vacation fun, it also means that finals are coming up. two of our three classes are having cumulative tests that cover not only this quarter, but also last quarter's material as well. which, really shouldn't be that big of a deal because it's stuff that we technically ought to know by now anyway. but it is a LOT of information, and i fear that a substantial portion of it has left my working memory by now. tomorrow we don't have school, but will be spending the day studying. i guess that's called "school."

the wedding and baby season has come around again. suddenly i'm getting announcements for both and madly trying to respond to all the happy news. so if you're getting a new spouse or baby, congratulations! i promise i'll reply to you individually soon.

PG-13

this week in school was a real shitfest.
after meeting with some higher ups in the school of nursing, including the director of student affairs and my advisor, it became clear that, while everyone technically agrees with me that my instructor has been completely inappropriate and unprofessional in her actions towards me, they are not going to do a damn thing to help me rectify any of it. they claim that their system gives the instructor complete autonomy, so she is able to do whatever she wants to me without any repercussions from them. however, i am allowed to tell her that she has hurt my feelings and to write a really honest evaluation at the end of the quarter...
they then proceeded to lecture me for an hour about how to bow down to her and kiss up for the next four weeks, because at the end of the day, she holds all of the power. and if i don't hurry up and make her approve of me then i run the risk of failing the class and therefore being kicked out of this, the number one school in the country.

i left ready to quit and leave this place forever. i left understanding a little bit better why people fight wars. i left wondering why people like this would ever decide to work in a profession based on helping other people, and if they felt at all bad about themselves for urging us so frequently to really get in there and advocate for our patients while they couldn't even be bothered to step in and stick up for one of their own students.

i mean, at the end of the day all of this is my stupid fault anyway. it's my fault for coming here despite all of my reservations, for being so hasty and prideful, for thinking that somehow, for some reason things would be different this time. i'm sorry Jesus for thinking this was the best you had to offer me, for not waiting and trusting that you could give me so much more...

today i met with the instructor in question. she must have said 5 times how much i have improved in my quality of work and in my writing since last friday. which is incredible because i have not worked with her or written anything since then. her newfound approval is based on the work that she was previously criticizing...
i.
don't.
get it.
but that's probably just because i'm so dumb.
the biggest issue she has with me is that i don't know how to communicate. it's true. everybody says so. i can't express myself at all. i don't know how to talk to people or ask questions or explain simple information.
it appears, that in actually interacting with me and talking to me for once today, she came to realize that her assessment was wrong. i can, in fact, communicate with other humans. i think she felt a little nervous about this, realizing that she has permanently tarnished my academic career and potentially hindered my future employment as a nurse for no real reason.
i hope maybe she has learned the importance of interacting with someone before judging them. i hope that maybe she has learned that she has a lot of power and maybe she needs to be a little more responsible with it. because the best we can hope for out of this whole stupid mess is that people learned something and can be better at whatever they do next time because of it.

next time...
i won't come here.

(and next time i write i won't complain about anything. promise.)

dear kevin,

i don't know if you read this ever, but i want you to know that february 11 was full of holiday splendor. i had a lot to "celebrate" (see here ) and will tell you all about it next time you call me. sorry i didn't send a card or present, but really what is there to say about a day like february 11?
be well.

i am (2)6

today in class elaine and i drew pictures of stick people killing themselves in many various ways. it was really entertaining.

ways stick people died today included (but were not necessarily limited to):
-hanging
-car driving off cliff
-sword
-pills
-lightning
-dynamite
-cannon/cannonball
-grenade
-gun
-bow and arrow
-shark attack

did i forget any?

they also gave us animal crackers to snack on. i let mine run around the desk for a bit before eating them up. we all had a great time--except maybe the girl sitting next to me who had to keep watching the tiny blobs gallop and dance around as she scribbled her notes. she has a 4-year-old, so hopefully it wasn't too irritating for her.

i tell ya, what a day...

oh well...

there has been a serious update drought lately, and i am here to do my part to end it.

on friday i was told that the instructor i have been having trouble with is putting me on probation. she wasted almost an hour of my time making me believe that we were making progress towards some kind of resolution before she delivered this news. she had no intention of actually working things out, and she had no examples or evidence to substantiate any of her claims against me. she wanted me to sign a form agreeing to her accusations, and when i refused to do so, stating that i did not, in fact, agree with anything she was saying, i thought her head might explode.
this is like the twilight zone. i literally can not believe that this is actually happening. i do not feel concerned by it, really. i don't think i will actually get kicked out or anything, mostly because i have verifiable evidence and logical arguments on my side as well as the support and testimonies of my classmates. and oh yeah, the truth... i feel terrible for causing this woman all of the grief that i am somehow so unintentially causing. but it also greatly complicates my life, forcing me to spend valuable study time instead writing out rebuttles and meeting with higher ups. stuuuuupid.

so our homebrew is done and we're going to try it out tonight. we're grilling up burgers and drinking beers. yessss. i wish matt and kelly were here. but then again i usually do.

i got the best stationary ever. watch your mailboxes...

what
is

WRONG

with
people...


more on that soon.

well what have we got here?

at first i really liked 24 too, but now it kind of just seems like other tv shows. it's hard for me to get into that stuff, so mostly i just go to see the people. tonight i looked at rosie more than the tv. that's an hour well spent.

what do you do when there is someone in authority to you whom you don't really respect or trust, but have to submit to anyway? i am actually asking here.
i have an instructor who, for some reason none of us can figure out, decided at the beginning of this quarter to single me out and give me a really hard time. i produce work of the same quality as my classmates on time, yet she is always on my case and has said more than once now that it would be okay if i decide i don't want to be a nurse. thanks. it's good that you're keeping me in check here because my ego is really getting out of control.
she said this to me on friday. this was the same day that my patient implied that i am incompetent as a nurse. at the time he was really drugged up and fiesty, and he was playfully teasing me. he and his wife actually really liked me and kept trying to set me up with one of their sons, but his comments combined with the encouragement of my faithful instructor were a bit much for me. on days like this, naked finals (click here or here) don't seem so bad...
i guess i just wonder if these people see something i don't. i mean, i really don't know what i'm doing yet. but i feel like that's why i'm here. that's what i'm in school for, that's why i'm supposed to be instructed by a quality nurse in the hospital setting two very long days every week. because Lord knows we don't learn how to do anything practical in our classes...
but maybe they're right, maybe my instructor sees a real flaw in me that tells her i'll be terrible at this.
i think the worst part of the whole stupid situation is knowing that i have to do the right thing here and really, really not wanting to. i know that i have to meet with her and discuss all of this, confront her on the ways i feel she has singled me out, the troubles we are having between us, and be willing to hear whatever it is that she has to say to me. part of me just wants to lay low for the last five weeks of the quarter and get through it, but i know that's the lazy man's option. the only nice part in any of this is the support i am getting from my classmates. they've witnessed the madness too and have reassured me that they haven't seen me do anything wrong, anything differently than any one of them.
and the thing is, i wouldn't even really mind it all that much if she was giving me such a hard time and i either felt like i deserved it or i felt like it was really doing me good. but neither is the case. i am not learning anything about being a good nurse from this, and it just makes me feel really terrible about everything.


on a different and happier note entirely, i got a new pair of running shoes on saturday. i was the first person to buy this particular pair as it was their first day out. i'm so cutting edge...
while i was trying on several different pairs, the nice man helping me asked if i was training for any races coming up.
me: "yes actually, one in march."
nice shoe man: "that's great. which one?"
me: "actually, it's in florida."
nsm: "you know, there are races you can run around here..."
yes there are. i think i'm going to run the st. patrick's day dash the weekend before the bay-to-bay classic in tampa.
SPRING BREAK 2007! WOOOOH!
and the new shoes are such a delight. it's like running on pillows.

GO BEARS!

how low can you go

during the three years i was away, i was magically accruing free coffee at bellino. thanks mich, and everyone else who contributed to this lovely gift for me.
on the way home from the hospital last week, after a particularly long and frustrating day, i really wanted to drown my sorrows in a mocha. my bus passes right by bellino, so i thought "hey, i'll just stop in on the way home and use one of my free credits. it will be so nice." but when i got there, the nice girl at the counter told me that i needed to buy one more before i had my next free drink. however, she did say that my sister-in-law had a $3 credit...

so i stole it. i stole from my sister-in-law*, who is with child, just so i could get a cup of coffee. i just really wanted one so bad, and i was already there and everything.
is this the definition of "rock bottom?"

and then it wasn't even very good. or maybe that was just the taste of guilt, tainting my sweet mocha.


*i'm really sorry to have to tell you this way, kels.