to publish or not to publish...

how much does one take before saying enough?

this is a question i have been pondering for a while now, about several situations in my life. sometimes i think i put up with too much, or put up with things for longer than i should. i like to give people the benefit of the doubt. or i forget why i was upset in the first place, or feel stupid for getting upset and don't want to admit that the things that were bothering me were actually bothering me. i take blame for things i shouldn't, or am just too jaded or complacent or lazy to confront people when i probably should.

sometimes i just wish i could hide, disappear, be invisible and do my own thing. i like being independent. i like to do what i want. i resent being told what to do, or being told that i have to meet some criteria that makes no sense for me because everyone else has to. i don't like wasting time going in circles to prove to someone else what i already know about myself when i could be using that time doing something useful, or fun. and i don't like it when people presume to know things about me based on someone else they think i'm like, or something someone else said about me, without ever giving me a chance themselves. i'm too old to be babied in an undergrad program again and too young to have the patience to deal with it. i'm antsy. i'm sick of hoops and irritated that they keep holding more up before us every step of the way.

and i don't like being taken for granted. i don't like that i let people treat me badly or hurt my feelings time and again and yet still stick around because i'm such a sap. i don't like that i make mistakes sometimes, that i can't save the world, and that there are sad things and mean people in the lives of people i love. what ever happened to the innocence of childhood...

one of these days:
1. you will stop reading this;
2. i will stop bitching about everything...

and maybe even be fun again.