PG-13

this week in school was a real shitfest.
after meeting with some higher ups in the school of nursing, including the director of student affairs and my advisor, it became clear that, while everyone technically agrees with me that my instructor has been completely inappropriate and unprofessional in her actions towards me, they are not going to do a damn thing to help me rectify any of it. they claim that their system gives the instructor complete autonomy, so she is able to do whatever she wants to me without any repercussions from them. however, i am allowed to tell her that she has hurt my feelings and to write a really honest evaluation at the end of the quarter...
they then proceeded to lecture me for an hour about how to bow down to her and kiss up for the next four weeks, because at the end of the day, she holds all of the power. and if i don't hurry up and make her approve of me then i run the risk of failing the class and therefore being kicked out of this, the number one school in the country.

i left ready to quit and leave this place forever. i left understanding a little bit better why people fight wars. i left wondering why people like this would ever decide to work in a profession based on helping other people, and if they felt at all bad about themselves for urging us so frequently to really get in there and advocate for our patients while they couldn't even be bothered to step in and stick up for one of their own students.

i mean, at the end of the day all of this is my stupid fault anyway. it's my fault for coming here despite all of my reservations, for being so hasty and prideful, for thinking that somehow, for some reason things would be different this time. i'm sorry Jesus for thinking this was the best you had to offer me, for not waiting and trusting that you could give me so much more...

today i met with the instructor in question. she must have said 5 times how much i have improved in my quality of work and in my writing since last friday. which is incredible because i have not worked with her or written anything since then. her newfound approval is based on the work that she was previously criticizing...
i.
don't.
get it.
but that's probably just because i'm so dumb.
the biggest issue she has with me is that i don't know how to communicate. it's true. everybody says so. i can't express myself at all. i don't know how to talk to people or ask questions or explain simple information.
it appears, that in actually interacting with me and talking to me for once today, she came to realize that her assessment was wrong. i can, in fact, communicate with other humans. i think she felt a little nervous about this, realizing that she has permanently tarnished my academic career and potentially hindered my future employment as a nurse for no real reason.
i hope maybe she has learned the importance of interacting with someone before judging them. i hope that maybe she has learned that she has a lot of power and maybe she needs to be a little more responsible with it. because the best we can hope for out of this whole stupid mess is that people learned something and can be better at whatever they do next time because of it.

next time...
i won't come here.

(and next time i write i won't complain about anything. promise.)