b-log

they made me switch to a new blog and i don't like it. it's not that anything has really changed (the format is a little different) or that i lost any important information, etc. mostly i just resent that they made me do it. they didn't give me the choice, they just wouldn't let me sign in until i switched. i thought this was america. i thought i had freedom...

i have to go sleep now. thursdays are very, very long days. i hope i don't get yelled at this week like i did last thursday. that was no fun.

drunkard's prayer

saturday night, sitting on the floor in a puddle of beer, surrounded by bottles...
i told you i was going to have "undergrad times: part II."

actually, we racked our beer tonight. it's not usually this messy, but tonight the siphoning got a little out of hand. at one point beer from the fermenting bucket came flowing down all over me like sweet blessings from heaven. in the end we wound up with 42 bottles plus some liberal "tastes" that we sampled in the process. two more weeks and we'll see how it actually turns out. personally, i think it's going to be pretty good.

darts or no darts, that was fun.

tonight was one of the most genuinely fun nights i have had in a long time.

in an attempt to find a place to play darts (or pool as a close second) we chose to try the canterbury.

discoveries upon arrival:
-no darts;
-pool tables = very popular on friday night;
-skiball is a lie;
-and apparently shuffleboard rips you off.

in light of these gloomy circumstances, we inquired about boardgames and learned that there is a whole shelf of them above the atm and change machine in the hallway that smells like vomit. this little girl would have never looked that high up.
but once spotted, i scaled the shaky folding stepstool towards the uneven and precariously stacked boxes, descending with two, and hoping that one would be an acceptable option. hours of fierce competition and good conversation ensued.

tonight i:
-really enjoyed enjoying little things;
-laughed loud and hard, and a whole lot;
-think i will sleep better than i have in weeks;
-felt kind of like me again.

ride on

tonight after class i decided to stop at target on the way home and pick up some long-overdue amenities. it just so happened that they did not have one single thing on my list. they did, however, have bathing suits. because january is just the time of year when we're all starting to think about exposing large portions of our skin to the elements.

my nice brother helped me fix up my bike last night. so after months of sitting out back looking pathetic with its flat tire and rusty chain, it's finally ready to ride again. i wish i hadn't believed weather.com when they said it was going to be raining all day long because, as it turns out, it would have been the perfect day for the inaugural ride. i don't really like weather.com. they are always wrong.

but i love my bike. i've had it since i was a freshman in high school--12 years now-- and we've been through a lot together. i've only ever had one other bike in my life that was just mine. after learning to ride on and subsequently outgrowing the same red bike that was each of my brothers' first, i got a shiny new blue and white girl's bike with streamers on the handles and a basket on the front. i actually think i hated it because it was too girly...
then, per family tradition, i was to get a 10-speed for my 10th birthday. which i did, but it turned out to be matt's old and well-loved 10-speed that he got for his 10th birthday almost 5 years earlier (and which he had replaced with a much nicer, brand new 12-speed street bike).

when i got to high school i got my current bike. it is still one of the things i love the most--probably even more now than when i originally got it. it's not the most high tech bike ever created. it's not made of any space-age materials or designer parts. it's not fancy or flashy in any way, but it is sturdy and functional and dependable, not unlike how i think of myself. it's baby bear. just right. and i can't wait to ride.

happy anniversary

on january 21, 1996--this day 11 years ago--i moved to seattle for the first time.
where the heck does the time go?

it's kind of funny to think of that time now, having recently returned, and once again facing many of the same surprising and surreal things that are seattle. sometimes i wonder who i'd be, how i'd be different, if we hadn't come here then. i think it was a pretty significant turning point in my life that had all kinds of effects on all kinds of things in me.

i'm tired and appear to be feeling rather sentimental and pensive, so i will spare you from the sleepy deep thoughts i am having and instead simply end by saying this: "life moves pretty fast. if you don't slow down once in a while, you just might miss it."
thanks for the wisdom, ferris.

idneys-kay

sometimes when i run wearing tights i feel like i'm going to an important business meeting in my pajamas.

i'm really glad i have healthy, functioning kidneys. after spending the day at the dialysis center with some pretty amazing people, i don't see how they possibly maintain any semblance of a normal life.

1. they have to spend 4-5 hours 3-4 times a week at the center being dialyzed. or they will be really, really sick. and then die.

2. in between these sessions they may gain 2-5 kilograms (5-10 pounds) in water and waste products that our normal healthy kidneys would filter out. this means that they feel tired and gross because they are basically being slowly poisoned for a couple of days, but then when they are dialyzed they feel terrible for a while because their body has just lost several liters of fluids, making them dizzy, nauseous, etc. if too much fluid is removed they could have heart failure.

3. your kidneys control all kinds of important stuff. they make a hormone that tells your bone marrow to make red blood cells, which carry oxygen to all the rest of the cells in your body. they make a chemical that regulates your blood pressure. they make vitamin d, which makes it possible for your body to absorb calcium which is necessary for pretty much every process in your body from blood clotting to muscle contraction and regulating your heartbeat. and for strong bones.

without kidneys you're pretty much screwed.

there are some days when i realize i worry about the pettiest things in the world.

no scrubs

so i actually had school today. it was nice.

is it wrong that i decided not to buy a coffee from the girl solely based on the music she was playing at the stand? it's just that i didn't want to have to listen to it while i paid.

tomorrow i will spend my day at the kidney center. i get to wear my civies instead of the purple scrubs because i guess they will dress me up all nice and pretty-like for dialysis when i get there. (just to clarify, i'm not the one getting dialysis, i'm just helping the nurses at the center.) it has been two weeks now since i wore my scrubs. i could easily go a few more.

when i graduate i really hope that someone will give me a pair of scrubs with the lyrics to "no scrubs" printed on them.* those i would happily wear.


*credit for this brilliant idea must be given to matt cooke.

correction:

spanish = cancelled.
i am actually bored... what is wrong with me???

i'm going to stop pretending to study, go home, eat some soup, and watch serpico.

oh, how i wish you could come over. i'm sick of being with me. i don't think i know how to live in a world without stress and chaos. i don't know what to do when i'm all caught up on everything...

hello

it is possible that i am never going to school again.
this is my 6th day off. at least i have spanish tonight. i hope i can remember how to count to 21...

i am also meeting with the director of international programs at the nursing school in a little while. hopefully he can give me some useful information about how to do things this summer. part of me feels like i should stop this nonsense and realize that i shouldn't go anywhere, but instead just buckle down and get a job. pay the bills, make sure i have rent money, you know. but you're only young and free once. this is my last real summer (i feel that i have been saying this for years...), i have absolutely no committments, and i want to get as much out of it as one human girl can. besides, it's just money. i know i'm going to be in debt when this thing is over anyway, so what's a few more paychecks? i heard eddie murphy say this morning on inside the actor's studio "money, f___ing schmoney." that's what i'm talking about, eddie.

i can't think of anything good to say lately, so for now i'll be done. bye.

more about that

i went back to sleep for 3 hours.

i really don't understand why we don't have school today. it is sunny. it is 35 degrees. the roads are bare and wet. it's kind of a bummer, really, because i was pretty excited about my patient today. i went to the hospital to meet him yesterday and he was great. he will be there tomorrow and i will get to work with him then, but still...

plus, now we'll have to make this day up at the end of the quarter. nobody wants that.

how funny is it that i'm disappointed about getting a snow day? all it really means is that i have to go study all day instead of being in the hospital. which means i really should get on about it. hope your day has some pleasant and unexpected surprises in it too, like finding $5, or getting a letter from a friend.

snow day number 2.

oh, seattle...

me llamo yvette

i think my teacup may have a hole in it. is that possible? because it really is leaking a lot of liquid onto the saucer. i wonder why people always have to give things such stupid names. this tea is called "haiku blend." stupid. that tells me nothing about how it's going to taste. is there a precious 5-7-5 herbal ratio involved in its production? whatever...

last night was my first spanish class. it was kind of funny because i haven't started learning a new language in a really long time. i was trying to remember what it was like back then. what did we do? what was that first french class like? i remember that we all had to pick a "name" to be called in class. madame de berry passed around a page of options. some of the girls took it all very seriously, knowing that they would be forced to respond to this name for the next three years of their tender middle school lives. pick the wrong name and it could potentially have catastrophic social ramifications. me, i chose to be called "yvette." i have no idea if or how this decision affected my life in any way, as i have never been clever enough to pick up on such subtle and, dare i say, foolish factors. i don't believe in such games. i believe in honesty, to oneself and to others. i would always, always rather have you tell me the truth if you have something to say, even if it sucks or will hurt me, than to have you tiptoe around or mess with me. you all know this, i think.

so spanish. it's pretty awkward to be in a room with a bunch of adults, who are all very functional and capable humans, and be at the communication level of an infant. we learned how to count, say the alphabet, some very basic vocabulary... i'm totally excited to learn, to see the progress and then even get to use what i have learned with real people outside of the classroom.

i am learning to take joy in things that take time. like learning a new language, and training so that i can run farther and faster, and making homebrew, and being a good friend. i hope my life will last a long time and i like thinking about all of the things i will know how to do and all of the things i will get to look back on doing one day. some of the best things take a long time and lot of work. somehow that's really comforting.

i remember that

one year ago i was scrambling to get my application in for the school that i now attend. i just talked with my lovely friend amanda who is currently doing the same. i remember it all so well: the feeling of disorder and chaos, drowning in forms and transcripts and references; forcing myself to sit down and just write the damn essay, no matter how generic and tired the questions were; the glorious freedom that came when i finally just sent it off once and for all, knowing that i had done what i could and my fate now lay in someone else's hands.

i will tell you this: i am soooo glad that part is over. it is still debatable whether or not i'm glad that i got in... now i spend my weekends in cold, abandoned university buildings reading giant pathophysiology textbooks half my body weight in size. i just hope that when i'm done i feel like it was worth it. i just want my life to make a difference to the people i work with. i want to be competent at my job, i want to enjoy it and know that i'm good at it. i want to make life better for people who are in crummy situations.

i hope being here now will make this possible in the end.

on a different note, our first batch of homebrew will be ready in 3 weeks. we siphoned it from the bucket into the carboy yesterday, and i got a hefty taste in the process... i think it's going to be pretty good. i like learning how to make new things.

holy haircut, batman!

i got my hair cut this week. i'm still working on growing it out, it just really needed to be tidied up a bit.
they always style it so much at the salon. they spend weeks blowing it dry and straightening every tiny section with a round brush and smoothing it with an iron. and they put in 80 products that each serve a different purpose: this one straightens it, while this one gives it lift and body so that the straightener doesn't weigh it down too much, and this one conditions, and this one calms the frizz... i always try and tell them (in a nice way) that there is really no need for all of this because i will never, EVER put that kind of effort into anything related to my appearance. i'd like to think that this defines me as "low maintenance." it probably just means "lazy." i'm okay with that.
and the funny thing is, that even after all of the effort and all of the resources that go into this one-time perfection, i always walk away feeling like i resemble an 80's rock star. which, contrary to what you may be thinking, has never been a goal of mine.

this new quarter, this new year, the chance to begin again--this has me feeling ambitious. there are so many things that i want to do this quarter. in addition to nursing school, i am going to take a spanish class to start getting ready for costa rica next winter. i also want to start volunteering somewhere again, and get a job so that i can move soon. and i need to apply for scholarships and financial aid again. and i think i'm going to join a co-rec soccer team, or perhaps a community dodgeball league.
i'm pretty certain that i keep myself insanely busy most of the time because it is so much easier than slowing down. when i do that i think about things that i don't want to deal with. when i do that i have to be alone with me and who i am and what i feel right now. i think distraction can be a really healthy coping mechanism sometimes, but i also think we have to deal with things at some point or we will never get better. it's the tough stuff that makes us better people--if we let it. avoiding it leads to stagnation. avoidance is both caused by and promotes laziness and fear. i find both in me right now.
i hope that one day, if i keep being honest about things and if i keep finding joy and hope in the little stuff of daily life and asking for help from God and other people, maybe i will become mature enough to have peace even in discomfort. being a human on earth is not comfortable. the world is not always pretty. thankfully we do not belong to the world but instead are a part of something infinitely better. ptl dudes. ptl.

i really need to learn when to stop saying things. i think that time is now.

back to life, back to reality

today real life began again. as usual i didn't get as much done over break as i hoped. i only got 1 1/2 books out of 3 read. there were people i meant to see but didn't. i definitely didn't sleep as much as i wanted. matt's christmas present is still unfinished. but it was really excellent nonetheless. my time in athens was good in more ways than i expected. i chronicled one of my many enjoyable evenings in the style of a jessica meyer travel log:

9:23 pm
EAE is seen on a fraternity. "epsilon alpha... elephant?" -liz
"you're an elephant." -lbj
"yes, with my trunk, and grey skin..." -liz
"...and big ears, and tusks..." -lbj
"...and thick legs!" -tirza

10:45 pm
"i'll only have $1 left..." -liz
"...and i'll buy you a christmas hot dog!" -tirza

10:53 pm
"will you taste this? it tastes kind of funny to us." -liz to jonathan, the bartender at o'hooley's.
"it tastes fine to me." -jonathan
"i think it kind of tastes like cheese." -liz
"like cheese? ... yeah, i guess it kind of does. like a muenster, or a smoked gouda!" -jonathan (who proceeded to give us free pints of a different brew.)

11:04 pm
"what the heck..." -liz
"yeah, i was wondering too." -tirza
"it's a fair wonder." -liz.

believe it or not, but my whole time in athens was this good. i got to remember some nice times and put a few old demons to rest. i got to laugh a whole lot and remember that there are people who love and support me. i got to see quite a bit of sunshine. i got to run in some of my favorite places, see some of my favorite people (including a surprise dinner with matty), and bask in the peaceful glory that is athens during winter break.

mdog reminded us that all things are made new again. new year. new quarter. i really appreciate the freedom i feel in that. it's nice to remember that i don't have to be anything just because i once was.


" 'Everything is in the hands of heaven, except the fear of heaven,' " he quoted. "What can I tell you, my Asher? I do not know what the Master of the Universe has waiting for us. Certain things are given, and it is for man to use them to bring goodness into the world. The Master of the Universe gives us glimpses, only glimpses. It is for us to open our eyes wide."

-Chaim Potok, My Name is Asher Lev