reasons

i know that there are some people in this world who really love night shift and want to do it forever. part of me gets that, part of me kind of likes night shift. i like being awake when most people aren't. i like that nights have less going on than days (although sometimes it seems that all the nutty stuff happens to kids at night and there's nobody around to call for help). i like the people on nights more than those on days. i like getting paid more.

but i don't like the toll it is already paying on my body. i don't like being asleep when most people are awake. i don't like readjusting my sleeping and eating schedules multiple times a week. it makes me feel sick. i don't like missing out on the few precious hours of daylight. i don't like knowing that people who work night shift have higher rates of cancer and other bad stuff. and when you add it all up and boil it all down, at the end of the day, what i mean is... i miss life. a nice person reminded me the other day that i am much more than my job. why is that so hard to remember?

tonight i am on call, which means that i will probably have to work. i said it before and i'll say it again: i miss life. i really, really do.

holy day

this is a very strange christmas time for my family. we celebrated 11 days early because of the departure of the ohio crew. at the time things were all too rushed and quick to really feel very christmasy. and now, i know in my mind that this is christmas eve, but i really don't feel very festive. this is also compounded by the fact that i have to work all the time.

also (while i'm being negative nancy here), while this whole snow business is most definitely lovely and festive and very midwestern, it is beginning to get a little tiresome. and the reason is that nobody can do anything when things are like this because the city of seattle does not plow or salt the roads. which = treachery. i have seen more people walking about than ever before, but this has quickly become hazardous as well, as the sidewalks are now simply sheets of ice just like the roads, and they are uneven and bumpy. (but what's a walk about town without at least one good fall?) everyone else i know has had the luxury of getting "snow days," those lovely times of sitting at home in your pajamas and drinking tea and watching the snow fall outside while you're warm and comfy inside. yeah... nurses don't get those. turns out we have to work no matter what. i admit that i have felt more than slightly bitter as my housemates sit around drinking nice libations and making homemade pizza as i trudge out the door to make my icy way to the hospital.

and finally, i am dogsitting for these people who live across the lake, which is really not at all far, yet the previously mentioned weather has lead to some serious headaches in getting there. can i admit that i kind of just really want it to warm up and melt off soon? is that blasphemous?

wow...

and really, none of this should matter on this holy of holy days. it should not keep me from feeling festive or remembering the real point of this season. it should not keep me from enjoying my wonderful family, or from being thankful that i have a job in the first place, or from remembering the one zillion awesome things in this life of mine. i'm working on it.

well friends, i wish you all the best on this glorious and happy day.
merry christmas to you.

i miss iris.

blerg

what a waste of a day. it is 2pm and i have not slept in nearly 24 hours. thanks to the great white snowstorm of 2008 i was stuck at work until noon after arriving at 530 last night and then got home nearly an hour later. after taking a shower and eating a bowl of cereal it is 2 and i am wondering if there is any point in sleeping at all before just going to bed for the night later. if i sleep now it will either be a short nap that will inevitably make me feel like a barfy spaceman or i will sleep until dark night time and then just be up all night anyway. yet if i just stay up i will be fighting my heavy eyelids and the grumpies until bedtime and i almost definitely won't get anything useful at all done. blerg.

there is an awesome snowball fight going on across the street right now. four people and one million snowballs later and i will say that the one in yellow--who is THE MOM--is totally kicking everyone else's ass. not only does she have the best cover (behind the fence), but she also has the best aim, and by far the best strategy: she keeps aiming for the branches of the trees above so that these massive amounts of snow come spilling down upon the boys when they least expect it. niiiice.

i think i'm going to buy a cactus. i think i'm going to get rid of a bunch of crap. i think i'm going to use my extra days for things i want to learn like glassblowing and taxidermy and making lattes. i think i'm headed to the library now. i best check if they're even open.

rebellion

would you call this "cute?"

















"people say that your dreams are the only things that save ya.
come on baby in our dreams, we can live our misbehavior.
everytime you close your eyes lies, lies!"


i don't like the look of things right now, but i feel a bit trapped, stuck. that's the worst part.
i never listen to my gut and i always regret that because it's usually right. perhaps this time i should, whatever that means and however that ends up looking. because i don't know how much more of this i can take and i'm tired of wasting days. or nights, as the case may be. and this bleeds into everything else and taints the rest of my life so that i just feel really bad pretty much all the time. is it worth it? or am i just being a wimp? should i suck it up and tough it out or just move on now?
i honestly don't know the answer to any of these questions. i just know that this whole mess just isn't for me and it was never the point of any of it to begin with. so knowing that, now what?
sometimes i really hate being a grown up. it's really hard sometimes...

it is finished.

i'm just saying, there are so many things i don't understand about this world...
and my heart is broken.

who will win?

i am tired. my family is celebrating christmas on sunday because half of them are moving away on monday, and i am not ready for it. i have presents for iris (of course), but that's all. i have a few ideas, some good, but i'm really not sure about the others. i want people to feel loved and appreciated by my gifts, which means that they have to mean something, be thoughtful in some way. i feel that i can be a very thoughtful person, but things like birthdays and holidays are hard because it means i have to be thoughtful on the spot. that's harder for me. anything on command is hard for me. i don't like to be told what to do... and also, i find that i would rather spend my time WITH these people instead of tooling around looking for things to show that i love them. right now i feel like the best way to love them is to give them my time and energy at the house anyway.

one nice thing (i'm trying to look on the bright side here) about people only being here for a short time is that it has encouraged me to explore this city more and do things i have wanted to but never felt the pressure. mostly that means seeing bands and eating at restaurants, but man has that been fun. i think that mostly i am still in total denial about what is about to happen. that's sort of how i roll, i keep myself ridiculously and unhealthily busy when things start to feel sad so that i can deny that it is about to happen, and then, just when i am about to totally fall apart, the thing that i have denied happens and i can't deny it any longer. i know that i'm doing this, but i don't really know how to stop it. and even if i could, feeling physically like crap is so much better than facing some realities...
true?
false?
bike?

can anyone find me a better job? maybe one where you are?

i am a girl

today i carried heavy things around and used power tools and got really dirty. i really enjoy days like these and feel very thankful that i have the opportunity to spend days like this. and my very favorite part is that at least one member of my family is always there. my dad said it well tonight: "i will remember working on this house with my family for the rest of my life." me too.

days like this make me feel both un-girly, and yet strangely more feminine. i'm not sure that i can explain that very well, but in the midst of all the manliness i guess i just feel my gender more fully. and a woman who knows how to use power tools is hot... or something.
actually, this is sort of a strange thing in my mind. naturally i am not a very girlie girl. i don't wear make up or jewelry or fashionable outfits. i wear jeans and t-shirts and sneakers. my hair is short--and it is just as likely to be unwashed as washed. it's not that i'm gross or slobby, but i tend to feel more comfortable in work clothes and dirt than dresses and perfume. i clean up pretty nice, but i just have very few occasions to do so. these are not traits that i feel bad about. on the contrary, i like these things about me. i like that i can hold my own with the boys. matt says that it's because i'm not afraid to do things that other girls would never try. i feel proud of that.
yet i also wonder if this is part of my "boy troubles." i recently found out that several of my lesbian friends thought that i was also a lesbian when they first met me. another recently told me that i was "borderline." perhaps i don't project the right message to the general public... i was also recently told by several of my closest people that it takes a long time to see my goodness. and i will say that it seems rare that people are willing or able to put this kind of time in. it's hard to say what all of this means, really. in all probability it means absolutely nothing.

well, i sure am glad we had this talk. i feel a lot better now.