i am a girl

today i carried heavy things around and used power tools and got really dirty. i really enjoy days like these and feel very thankful that i have the opportunity to spend days like this. and my very favorite part is that at least one member of my family is always there. my dad said it well tonight: "i will remember working on this house with my family for the rest of my life." me too.

days like this make me feel both un-girly, and yet strangely more feminine. i'm not sure that i can explain that very well, but in the midst of all the manliness i guess i just feel my gender more fully. and a woman who knows how to use power tools is hot... or something.
actually, this is sort of a strange thing in my mind. naturally i am not a very girlie girl. i don't wear make up or jewelry or fashionable outfits. i wear jeans and t-shirts and sneakers. my hair is short--and it is just as likely to be unwashed as washed. it's not that i'm gross or slobby, but i tend to feel more comfortable in work clothes and dirt than dresses and perfume. i clean up pretty nice, but i just have very few occasions to do so. these are not traits that i feel bad about. on the contrary, i like these things about me. i like that i can hold my own with the boys. matt says that it's because i'm not afraid to do things that other girls would never try. i feel proud of that.
yet i also wonder if this is part of my "boy troubles." i recently found out that several of my lesbian friends thought that i was also a lesbian when they first met me. another recently told me that i was "borderline." perhaps i don't project the right message to the general public... i was also recently told by several of my closest people that it takes a long time to see my goodness. and i will say that it seems rare that people are willing or able to put this kind of time in. it's hard to say what all of this means, really. in all probability it means absolutely nothing.

well, i sure am glad we had this talk. i feel a lot better now.