smelly kid

the first day of my first clinical ever, i noticed that the hallway outside the nurses' lounge smelled exactly like the cafeteria/gym/auditorium at normandy elementary school. the combination of floor wax and bad food or something...
last night the left-hand train elevator smelled like a hamster cage. every time i brought another patient to the floor there was that distinct wet cedary smell i remember from the days of rodent ownership.

in lecture two days ago the guest speaker had a stutter. i could see her thinking carefully as she spoke and intentionally avoiding certain words (such as "medication" or those with the letter w) because they were difficult for her to get out.

i have always had this soft spot for people who are "different" in some way, those who don't exactly fit in to what is considered normal or mainstream. i get anxious for them because i see that there is a kind of vulnerability there and i want to stand up for them and protect them from the shit that inevitably comes their way. it bothers me that they might be misunderstood or made fun of because i just don't really get why people do this to each other.
in athens i worked with a lot of the smelly kids, or the grown-ups who used to be the smelly kids. a lot of the time they were more fun than the good kids anyway. sometimes at work a kid will come in and people will talk about them like they're this huge weirdo with social problems or whatever. but then i'll take them to get some test done and realize they just didn't trust the person saying these things about them because they were worried the person would would say these things about them. because it happens to them all the time.
i don't know, i don't know why i'm even talking about all of this, especially here. i think i just wish people were allowed to be who they are and to figure out who they want to become without fear of judgement from other people. and i wish people could recognize that, just because someone is a little odd or not just like them doesn't mean they don't have good things to say and a lot to offer.
i guess that in a lot of ways i relate with the smelly kid. i get it. and i want to be at least one person who's not always pointing out that they smell.
plus, i know that sometimes i'm definitely the smelly kid too.

team sports

on friday we had thanksgiving day, part deux--or return to thanksgiving day, as some of you may know it. it was delicious and delightful. i'm so thankful for thanksgiving.

every year i collect fall leaves and take them home and press them between the pages of the phone book under the weight of my heaviest and fattest textbooks.
the most wonderfully frustrating part of collecting fall leaves every year is the simple fact that no single leaf is able to capture all of the glory of fall by itself. i always go looking for the "best" ones, thinking that one or two will be more extra specially amazing than all the others. i generally search by color, looking for the most vivid yellows and reds, the green leaves with splashes of color overtaking them like a disease. i will gather a handful of perfectly lovely leaves, yet as i make my way home i always feel a bit unsatisfied. i know that what i hold is not really the whole picture but merely a poor representation of the splendor of the trees from whence the leaves came. fall is a team sport, and only with the effort of each player does it all come together. i wonder if god did this to make us think of the kingdom, or to help us realize that we're better when we all work together.
perhaps this is cheesebag imagery. but i see god in nature and i'm thankful for that.

also, now that thanksgiving is over my family is officially allowed to listen to christmas music. bing is serenading me as we speak. it may be a bit early to tell, but i think this year's going to be a good one. there's a whole new person to celebrate with! i love with all of my heart that i get to know her my whole life. i see god in that too.

hey, thanks!

i know it's not technically thanksgiving anymore, but...

happy thanksgiving!
i love this holiday, and it has been a good one. first came the macy's parade, after sleeping lots and waking up late. this is a tradition. for as long as i can remember my family has watched the parade on thanksgiving morning. the holiday season officially starts for me when santa waves it in while delicious thanksgiving smells fill the house.

this year we were treated to the entire thanksgiving meal by my sister-in-law's family, so in the spirit of leftovers we're doing the whole thing again tomorrow. on a small scale. i can't imagine a thanksgiving without my mom's stuffing. for days. and days... when my parents were away i attempted to recreate it. i used the same recipe and ingredients and she even shared her secret tricks with me, but it still was not the same as when she makes it.

after dinner i won the hearts of the meyers by knowing that lepidopterists collect moths. i also made jello salad, cranberry sauce, and a homemade pumpkin pie from scratch. crust and all. it is possible that i will have a slice for breakfast.

now it is late and i must sleep. i am still a sicko and need my rest even more than usual.

i am one lucky girl, and even though i don't need a holiday to remind me of that, it sure is nice to get one. wishing you the best of thanksgivings, dear friends.

oh teddy...

is it weird that it's a little bit hard for me to eat teddy grahams--or any such animal-shaped foods?

what is up

how can it feel like i wasted the whole day when i know i got so much accomplished? i think it's probably because i didn't really leave the house--which feels kind of great and kind of gross. and that will be remedied here in a few minutes when i head off for an exciting night of work...

i like my job enough. the place where i work is like the disneyland of hospitals. everything is brightly colored and everyone is so nice. they have really great snacks and lots of toys and coloring books and stickers. the walls have murals and pictures all over them, my favorite being the hallway by radiology which has several images of different polka-dotted animals in space helmets playing instruments. it's a lot better looking than it sounds... although i also REALLY like the art in the whale entry across from the pharmacy. there is a huge glass whale sculpture hanging from the ceiling and the wall has a giant octopus painted on it whose tentacles, after reaching the glass doors, continue on as foggy etchings until their end. it's very whimsical and soothing. for a hospital it's actually a nice place to be. if you ever have to get sick i hope you get to go someplace just as nice.

but hopefully none of us will ever get sick or need to visit a hospital. i would have thought working in hospitals would help make this seem a little less bad, but honestly, it does not make that prospect any less terrifying.

barrel of laughs, bundle of joy.
whoopee!

sometimes

sometimes it feels as if life is just slipping by, like a school of fish, and i can not grab hold to slow it down.

sometimes it feels like there is no way to take full advantage of every opportunity, meaning that one must either choose to do only one thing really well and miss out on everything else or to do several things sort of alright.

sometimes i wonder if there is something i am meant to do and i am settling for something else, something that is good enough and missing the whole point.

sometimes i wonder what might have been if...

sometimes i wonder what is to come...

sometimes i wish i could do everything and be everywhere instead of having to choose.

sometimes being a grown-up is great, like when you can decide to eat cake for breakfast and your mom won't yell at you, or when you can decide to stay up as late as you want reading a good book and writing all over the pages because you paid for it. but sometimes it is hard. sometimes i think things used to be so much less complicated.

sometimes, maybe even most times, i think too much.

sicko

i feel crummy. crumby? crumbly?
yes, crumbly. like all of my cells are degrading and falling apart.
all of the germs at the hospital have finally gotten to me and now there is a microscopic war taking place in my innards. sometimes when i think of this i imagine tiny little knights in armor on horseback battling for control over my parts. (should this affect my qualifications as a health care professional? you decide.)
usually my immune system is pretty tough. i have spent years building it up. so when i do get sick i am a terrible bore. mostly i just sit around moaning. i would hate to have myself as a patient...

in other news i am suddenly in charge of creating a video presentation for my community health clinical final. i have never made a video before. i have never used a video camera before. and i have two weeks in which to complete it. i like that i get to be creative now, but i'm also slightly concerned because the final grades of 10 people is pretty much resting on what i come up with. sweet. tips from any of you pros out there would be appreciated.

i have to go lay around and moan some more now. all this typing has really worn me out. i am a wimp with a capital WIMP. at least i know it.

clean

this weekend i cleaned everything. i had the house to myself, so i literally took everything out of my room, cleaned things, and rearranged the things that i actually need back into place. i also designed some new systems to help keep the mess under control in the future. it feels pretty good in here now, and hopefully all of the hard work will help me be diligent in keeping this place tidy now.

it also means that i didn't write the paper i was meant to write over the weekend. priorities... i don't get those. i also spent a ridiculous amount of time playing on itunes. i love it. you can find anything on itunes and that is great.

but now i have to make up for the choices i made this weekend and finish that paper. if i focus i could finish this thing in an hour.
yeah right...

wise words

"the future will soon be upon us."

thanks jessm.