thursday 3 september, 2009:

one week till the chop shop...
yesterday dr. b. said he might make a long horizontal incision across my neck all the way to the node on my left side, making what i thought would be a 2-3 inch incision into a 6-8 inch one instead. we'll see.

it's strange to think that one day i'll read this looking backwards, already knowing what happened. right now i can only look ahead and wonder. i'm pretty nervous about this whole business. i'm feeling pretty sad and anxious these days. i'm trying to let it be, just let myself feel what it feels like right now in the middle of all of this. but i also just want to ignore it, push it away, distract myself. and so i keep very busy and sleep very little.

i've been riding my motorcycle a lot, and monday was boating and swimming with the school gang. bob and annie and andy are in town this week, so that's been really fun. today we picked blackberries at magnuson and i made a pie for everyone. i love picking blackberries. it always reminds me of the time michele and renea and i made jam the first year we were friends.

life is so funny, so strange. every minute is so full of potential; sometimes i wish i didn't have to sleep so i could be present the whole time i'm alive, not miss a single thing.

i hope i'm a good patient. i hope i don't embarrass myself and say something crazy under anesthesia. i hope i'm nice to the nurses. i hope everything goes well...

bitter,sweet

so saturday is my last night shift. last night was my last night with some of my favorite nurses/people, and i will admit, it felt very sad. i mean, i know that working nights is bad for me, and i know that i have to at least try working during the day and see if it's any better. but i have to say that honestly, the only thing i have truly liked about my job for the past many months is the people i work with. it says a lot about them that staying up all night long, cleaning up barf and poo and listening to screaming children and disgruntled parents is made bearable--almost fun, even (sometimes)--simply by sharing it with them. they have been the reason i did not quit nursing a long time ago, and the reason that i am as good at my job as i am. michele reminded me that i didn't really like any of them for a while either (sorry guys), and so maybe i'll wind up liking some of the day people as much as my night crew. but i'm not so sure about that. it's not that there aren't ones and twos that i like and will come to like a lot; it's just that, as a whole, i know it will not be as good. i know that there will always be the outliers, the negative nancies, the political strategists, the disgruntled middle-aged women who are so burnt out they should have quit when they were my age...

i hope that i can bring more of the night shift helpy mentality to days. one of my favorite parts of working nights is that everyone is always so willing to lend a hand, to take a minute even if they are insanely busy to help another nurse with something they can't do by themselves, or talk through a tricky situation. it's nice to know they've always got my back, and to get theirs when needed. that's what it's about.

and so it is with mixed emotions that i transition back to the day world, the land of the living, the land of sunshine and honey. i am thankful to you, ladies and gentlemen of the night, who have been my teachers and peers and support and friends over this past year. you will always have a special place in my heart, for no one else can really ever know what we have shared. and i will feel a little bit left out when i arrive in the morning, knowing you shared a 4am dance party, or powered through the six o'clock weirds, and will be a little bit sad when i leave you to go home to my bed at night.

disclaimer

over the last few months i have been having what i will call, for lack of a better term, an inner struggle. it has just been such a weird time... part of me is still adamant about how all of this really, in the grand scheme of things, is no big deal. yes, there have been some moments where i have been emotional, or when things physically were terrible, or times that were just plain weird. but i know that people go through so very much worse, and even in my worst times i just know that i am so very lucky.

and so i struggle with what to share, and how to share it. that link i posted a little while back of the story on npr was sort of a catalyst for me. it got me connected to a number of people's cancer blogs, which were/have been extremely helpful for me as this time has unfolded. it is odd how total strangers can sometimes understand and relate to things in your life better than even your closest people. part of me wanted to post things on here that would maybe wind up helping someone else one day like those blogs helped me--but then again arose the entire internal debate about whether or not what i have been going through is actually worth talking about. i don't want to whine, or complain, or be a total wimp about things that are really not a very big deal.

i have clearly thought about all of this way more than i need to or should. and what i have decided is that, whatever is or is not true about the degree of badness of this situation, it has still produced many stories that are worth telling. if they get boring or seem whiny to you, i give you my full permission to pretend that i never wrote them.

i am not sure in what order i will tell my stories. chronological seems sensical, though i tend to think of them much more randomly. regardless, they'll be here soon.