introspective

my final paper is ready to print. my last real assignment as an undergrad (again) is done... it is a great feeling.
in mere days i will go back to only having one job and hopefully lots of free time. i have a lot of weeks of hard work to make up for--that's a LOT of fun things i have to do.
and i am daydreaming about summer plans. i have about a month off from the time i finish my tech job until the time i start my real job and i want to do everything. that is the story of my life. everything.

i am fighting with myself again. i have "decided" to take the job offer at children's, meaning that i will be staying in seattle for a bit longer.
hence the fight.
it is a strange prospect to think of staying here for practical reasons, which is what i am doing. i will stay because i know the hospital, i know the way things work, and i know some other people who will be working there. safe. all the nurses i know say that they cried and/or threw up every day during their first year of nursing. i figure it's a little easier to do these things with the people who have already seen me at my worst throughout this whole nursing school debacle instead of foisting my emotional self onto a whole new set of folks i know nothing about. safe. safe and boring. safe and dreary. safe and sleeping. i can't believe that i am choosing this. but sometimes i get scared too.
my way of justifying this whole mess is by deciding that for as long as i am here i will do everything. see, there it is again. i will do all of the things that i have always wanted to do and all of the things that come up that are interesting. i will go to beautiful places and play with as many different people as i can find. and maybe somewhere in there i will finally see why some people i know seem to love this place so much. and maybe i will finally feel the freedom to leave once and for all.

katie tagged me a long long time ago. i'll do that next time.