cut - it - out

tomorrow is my surgery. tomorrow. technically it's even today.
it has already come. this is one of those weird times when i know things are coming, and each day they get closer, and i feel like an outside observer of my own life as i wait and count down. it seems pretty unreal in some ways; every now and then it hits me and i feel one of many different emotions. but mostly i think i'm still in denial.

sometimes i wish that i were not such a sentimental human. sometimes i wish i was more even, more gentle.

what has surprised me the most about all of this is the body image stuff it has brought up. i suddenly feel very vain and shallow for being so concerned about what my neck will look like after all of this. i won't even know how much he'll cut until i wake up after surgery; it might be 2 inches, it might be a whole lot more. surprise!

part of me is really ready to just get all of this over with. i'm really tired of talking about it and thinking about it and waiting for the next thing to happen. and yet... i still feel kind of sad that this time tomorrow my body will be a part short. i really don't get why i feel this way. i don't think i'd feel like this if i was losing my tonsils or my appendix. i guess those parts don't have any real function, unlike the thyroid.

well anyway, i want to try and get to sleep before the birds start chirping. there's no real hope once those b's start all their racket.

who knows, maybe you'll get lucky and i'll post something when i'm totally narced up. keep your fingers crossed (?)...
later on.