look ma, i've got my very own blog!

2010-01-01T03:27:00.000-08:00

happy new year!

i mean, when all is said and done, 2009 was probably an 8. yes, there were definitely some really bad times, and some times that i really, really wish had never happened. and yet, in the end, i feel like i got some pretty real and vivid perspective this year, and i feel like i really feel thankful for my totally awesome life, and for life in general. i am so very lucky.

and i definitely have hope for 2010. i have hope that my parathyroids will start working again and allow me to return to a (somewhat) normal life again. i have hope that i will be a tiny bit more certain of where i am headed and what i will do with myself as a grown person. i have hope for new relationships and restoration of old ones. i have so very much hope that the lord has amazing things waiting for me. and you.

and so i wish you the happiest of new years. 2010 is looking pretty great so far. i look forward to the new year with you, friends.

like a ballerina

2009-12-12T15:42:00.000-08:00

i love this time of the day. this time of the year a lot of the day looks like this time of day, with the light at such a steep and sleepy slant that dusk goes on for hours. from my seat i can see the snowy mountains to the east in that soft orange light and it is beautiful.

it is hard for me to believe that christmas is in 13 days. my whole family had other plans for thanksgiving, so i celebrated that holiday with others. now it looks like the same is true for christmas too. i'm starting to think i need to find a new family for these things. all my friends are leaving too, or celebrating with their own families. i kind of wish i were working so i at would at least have something to do. maybe that's why i can't come up with any good presents. who really cares if we won't even be together?

so it turns out that "graceful" does not describe me at all.

i am in the process of looking for a new endocrinologist. i can't take dr sunshine anymore. nobody should talk to me like he does, and i certainly should not pay someone so much to do so.

he continues to tell me that i am permanently broken and that my parathyroids will never get better. i must say, his evidence this time was more compelling than the last (despite my calcium being extremely low, my pth was not even measurable); yet i still do not believe that he can definitively say that i will never get better. he says he wants to be honest with me, which i certainly do appreciate. but i think that him saying that i will never get better is just as dishonest as him saying that i definitely will. how does he know? doesn't he know, after all of this time as a doctor, that every body is different, and sometimes improbable things can happen, and numbers can change all the time? i feel like the more i'm alive and the more i work in health care the more real the impractical and unexpected becomes. i guess in medicine it seems to usually be in a bad way... but why does it always have to be?

and besides the fact that he very well might be wrong, i also feel like, even if he's not, he could at least let me think that he might be for a little while longer. i mean, it's been a rough couple of months. there has been a lot of bad news and things to adjust to, and even if i never do get better and this really is permanent, it would be nice to have a bit more time to get used to some of the other changes before having to accept one more. how hard is it to say that, even though it doesn't look good right now, nothing is certain. keep hoping. because i'm going to anyway whether or not you want me to you big jerk.

see, graceful...

2009-12-04T23:39:00.000-08:00

science is crazy.
the things that people have discovered and imagined and come up with never cease to amaze me. i mean, the whole radioactive iodine creation? amazing! who figured that shit out? and who in the world tested it? i saw an ad looking for volunteers for an HIV vaccine study in the paper the other day. can you imagine how awesome that would be if it really works? but how in the world do you test this, and what happens to the volunteers if it doesn't work?

part of my "new normal" is getting blood drawn every few weeks. so far this has been mostly to check my aforementioned pitiful calcium level and a few other hormone and blood component levels. but today's labs are bigger than that. today's labs will tell me if i still have cancer or not. today's labs will tell me if i have to have more radiation or not.

it is amazing to me that one small vial of blood can tell me all of that. i mean, i'm being a little bit dramatic here. the thing about all of this is that it's really just a whole lot of waiting. we'll do this test and call with the results next week. we'll do this biopsy and let you know. we'll schedule the surgery and see what we find. we'll set you up with a specialist in six weeks. we'll give you this dose and see how you feel. we'll draw labs and check your calcium levels. we'll draw labs and check your pth levels, and your thyroxine levels, and your thyroglobulin levels... if they look good this time it's no guarantee they will next time, or the time after, or the time after...

i would say that i feel like i'm healed, like all is well with me. but i never felt like i had cancer in the first place.

no matter what happens i am not looking forward to seeing my endocrinologist, whom i have come to refer to as 'dr. sunshine.' good news from him sounds like a death sentence, so i can't imagine how he presents bad news. hopefully i won't have to find out... my appointment with him is tuesday at noon. you know, it's crazy how such tiny amounts of time can have such huge and longstanding impacts on our lives. how long does it take to say "...and it is cancer."? and how long does that sentence live on?

if you are the praying type feel free to ask that i might receive whatever news he has for me gracefully. a number of people have said to me that they don't understand what God is doing, why he is doing all of this. well me neither. but i have never felt like he is doing it to me, and i have never felt how nice he is until all of this. no one has ever been as nice to me as he has during this silly stupid time, and so i will not ask him why but simply say thanks. and keep asking for help.

i feel it in my fingers, i feel it in my toes

2009-12-03T11:21:00.000-08:00

in seven days it will be three months since i had surgery. it's weird, sometimes i forget that even really happened. but on days like today i have the lingering reminder that i really did (do?) have cancer, and i really was cut open, and a part of me truly was removed.

all of the studies i have read--and i have read many--say that less than 1% of people have permanent parathyroid damage after thyroidectomy. and most of these people were operated on by an unexperienced surgeon who didn't know what they were doing. when you look at it that way, all the odds are in my favor.
and yet the studies also say that normal calcium levels returned within a few weeks, and parathyroid hormone levels normalized within 3-6 months. i am very nearly at 3 months. and nothing for me is normal.

so what do i think about all of this... do i think that my endocrinologist is just a pessimist who tends to see the negative and is being overly hasty in diagnosing me as permanently broken? do i believe my surgeon who tells me that it can take up to a year-maybe more-to really balance back out for good?
i would like to.
and most days i continue to believe that any God who can make the entire world and everything in it is certainly able to fix my three (remaining) tiny parathyroids.
but it is hard to be positive and believe these things when it feels like my veins are pumping soda instead of blood; when my hands and arms and legs continue to go numb randomly; when everyone else i have talked with got better so much quicker.

one day all of this will either be fixed or be normal. and i promise, one day i will stop talking about it.

it's weird to think about all of the crazy shit that's happened these last few months: being held together with staples, eating hundreds of tums, swallowing the big black radioactive pill-you know, having cancer...
anyway, i'm boring myself again. so that's all for now.

2009-11-17T13:19:00.000-08:00

thursday 3 september, 2009:

one week till the chop shop...
yesterday dr. b. said he might make a long horizontal incision across my neck all the way to the node on my left side, making what i thought would be a 2-3 inch incision into a 6-8 inch one instead. we'll see.

it's strange to think that one day i'll read this looking backwards, already knowing what happened. right now i can only look ahead and wonder. i'm pretty nervous about this whole business. i'm feeling pretty sad and anxious these days. i'm trying to let it be, just let myself feel what it feels like right now in the middle of all of this. but i also just want to ignore it, push it away, distract myself. and so i keep very busy and sleep very little.

i've been riding my motorcycle a lot, and monday was boating and swimming with the school gang. bob and annie and andy are in town this week, so that's been really fun. today we picked blackberries at magnuson and i made a pie for everyone. i love picking blackberries. it always reminds me of the time michele and renea and i made jam the first year we were friends.

life is so funny, so strange. every minute is so full of potential; sometimes i wish i didn't have to sleep so i could be present the whole time i'm alive, not miss a single thing.

i hope i'm a good patient. i hope i don't embarrass myself and say something crazy under anesthesia. i hope i'm nice to the nurses. i hope everything goes well...

bitter,sweet

2009-11-11T18:09:00.000-08:00

so saturday is my last night shift. last night was my last night with some of my favorite nurses/people, and i will admit, it felt very sad. i mean, i know that working nights is bad for me, and i know that i have to at least try working during the day and see if it's any better. but i have to say that honestly, the only thing i have truly liked about my job for the past many months is the people i work with. it says a lot about them that staying up all night long, cleaning up barf and poo and listening to screaming children and disgruntled parents is made bearable--almost fun, even (sometimes)--simply by sharing it with them. they have been the reason i did not quit nursing a long time ago, and the reason that i am as good at my job as i am. michele reminded me that i didn't really like any of them for a while either (sorry guys), and so maybe i'll wind up liking some of the day people as much as my night crew. but i'm not so sure about that. it's not that there aren't ones and twos that i like and will come to like a lot; it's just that, as a whole, i know it will not be as good. i know that there will always be the outliers, the negative nancies, the political strategists, the disgruntled middle-aged women who are so burnt out they should have quit when they were my age...

i hope that i can bring more of the night shift helpy mentality to days. one of my favorite parts of working nights is that everyone is always so willing to lend a hand, to take a minute even if they are insanely busy to help another nurse with something they can't do by themselves, or talk through a tricky situation. it's nice to know they've always got my back, and to get theirs when needed. that's what it's about.

and so it is with mixed emotions that i transition back to the day world, the land of the living, the land of sunshine and honey. i am thankful to you, ladies and gentlemen of the night, who have been my teachers and peers and support and friends over this past year. you will always have a special place in my heart, for no one else can really ever know what we have shared. and i will feel a little bit left out when i arrive in the morning, knowing you shared a 4am dance party, or powered through the six o'clock weirds, and will be a little bit sad when i leave you to go home to my bed at night.

disclaimer

2009-11-06T12:03:00.000-08:00

over the last few months i have been having what i will call, for lack of a better term, an inner struggle. it has just been such a weird time... part of me is still adamant about how all of this really, in the grand scheme of things, is no big deal. yes, there have been some moments where i have been emotional, or when things physically were terrible, or times that were just plain weird. but i know that people go through so very much worse, and even in my worst times i just know that i am so very lucky.

and so i struggle with what to share, and how to share it. that link i posted a little while back of the story on npr was sort of a catalyst for me. it got me connected to a number of people's cancer blogs, which were/have been extremely helpful for me as this time has unfolded. it is odd how total strangers can sometimes understand and relate to things in your life better than even your closest people. part of me wanted to post things on here that would maybe wind up helping someone else one day like those blogs helped me--but then again arose the entire internal debate about whether or not what i have been going through is actually worth talking about. i don't want to whine, or complain, or be a total wimp about things that are really not a very big deal.

i have clearly thought about all of this way more than i need to or should. and what i have decided is that, whatever is or is not true about the degree of badness of this situation, it has still produced many stories that are worth telling. if they get boring or seem whiny to you, i give you my full permission to pretend that i never wrote them.

i am not sure in what order i will tell my stories. chronological seems sensical, though i tend to think of them much more randomly. regardless, they'll be here soon.

2009-10-29T00:23:00.000-07:00

i have so many things to say about this time in my life...
and i hope to say them at some point. soon.

but for now i just want to thank my friends and all of the people who have been so wonderful during everything. three months ago i could have never predicted the range of things i have felt and encountered, and i do not know how i would have made it if you hadn't been around to talk with, and laugh with, and cry with.

today's victory was that i got to eat real food.
tomorrow i get to start my meds.
the new normal will start soon. it is coming.

2009-10-26T00:55:00.000-07:00

i think i plan ahead pretty well... and then realize i have not. i may have thought about what needs to be done but fully underestimate how long it will take. or how late i will start. or just how much actually must be done. the worst is usually before i go on a big trip, like the time i went to costa rica for 3 months. shorter trips are a little better, but i usually don't get much sleep the night before i leave. this time i will blame the fact that i have never done this before and just really don't know what to expect. it's kind of like baby proofing the house for myself... a little different.
i'm really looking forward to a time when this is done and i'm less tired. that will be a nice time. and i will not take it for granted.

2009-10-22T00:41:00.001-07:00

i don't know how long npr will have this available, but i really liked it. give it a listen. there's a lot to think about in here.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=112563650

2009-09-17T01:37:00.000-07:00

i started out the day like this:

and am ending it like this. no more staples.

2009-09-15T18:06:00.000-07:00

cut - it - out

2009-09-10T03:47:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is my surgery. tomorrow. technically it's even today.
it has already come. this is one of those weird times when i know things are coming, and each day they get closer, and i feel like an outside observer of my own life as i wait and count down. it seems pretty unreal in some ways; every now and then it hits me and i feel one of many different emotions. but mostly i think i'm still in denial.

sometimes i wish that i were not such a sentimental human. sometimes i wish i was more even, more gentle.

what has surprised me the most about all of this is the body image stuff it has brought up. i suddenly feel very vain and shallow for being so concerned about what my neck will look like after all of this. i won't even know how much he'll cut until i wake up after surgery; it might be 2 inches, it might be a whole lot more. surprise!

part of me is really ready to just get all of this over with. i'm really tired of talking about it and thinking about it and waiting for the next thing to happen. and yet... i still feel kind of sad that this time tomorrow my body will be a part short. i really don't get why i feel this way. i don't think i'd feel like this if i was losing my tonsils or my appendix. i guess those parts don't have any real function, unlike the thyroid.

well anyway, i want to try and get to sleep before the birds start chirping. there's no real hope once those b's start all their racket.

who knows, maybe you'll get lucky and i'll post something when i'm totally narced up. keep your fingers crossed (?)...
later on.

damn

2009-08-24T16:19:00.000-07:00

it is officially cancer. man, what a total bummer...

just thought i should probably post this on the internet because that's always the best way to handle important personal information. expect lots of very tasteful cancer jokes to follow as well.

this feels very different than i thought it would. honestly, i guess i was still hoping for the best. which is not this.

the strangest thing was that i just woke up, and then my doctor called with this information, and then matt called and i talked to iris on the phone. talk about a contrast.

well, onward i guess.
i mean, no big deal, but big deal.

summer 2009

2009-08-20T00:30:00.000-07:00

this has been a big month in this small life.

i got a motorcycle.
i took a new job (on the same floor).
and i might have cancer.

i suppose i should probably start with the last one...
in the middle of july i found a lump on my throat. i went to the doctor. i got an ultrasound and they found 3 lumps on my thyroid. so on friday i am going to have a biopsy done on them. if they find no cancer cells they will just watch things and make sure nothing changes. if they don't know what it is, or if they find cancer cells, they will cut me open and take out my thyroid. and the thing is, i am really not that scared about this at all. i actually feel really lucky because, in the grand scheme of things, 1 in 4 people these days gets cancer, and thyroid cancer is like winning the lottery of cancers. it has a better than 97% cure rate. treatment is relatively simple. and i will be able to live a pretty much totally normal life afterwards. but it is still a total and complete bummer. i really don't want them to take a part of my body out. and i don't want to be dependent on pills for the rest of my life. and i don't want to have a scar on my neck. and i don't want to deal with insurance and hospital stays and absence from work. and i don't want to worry my family. and really, mostly, i just want to be normal. and whole. and really what all of this makes me feel is lonely. i don't entirely know why, but i feel very alone.
if you are the type, or perhaps even if you usually are not, please pray that it is nothing. i keep thinking it must be nothing. i mean, i don't feel like i have cancer...

the thing that has been really scary to me this summer is my new motorcycle. i will post pictures once some are taken. it's a totally awesome bike and i feel so happy to have found it after hundreds of hours of searching and researching. i like it. but it is totally terrifying. the reality is that riding a motorcycle is a stupid means of travel. sure, it gets awesome gas mileage, and it is totally fun. but when you think about it, it's stupid. balancing on two points and potentially slipping out, falling... being totally exposed to the elements, and to things flying at you... possessing little visibility to the suv's around you being operated by drivers distracted by screaming children, or by new drivers, or by college kids texting... in my motorcycle safety class we tallied how many different ways they told us we could die. 21.
it is interesting to me how, even at 29 years old, there are still so many totally new skills to learn. i remember when i was learning how to drive stick i had a feeling similar to this one, this complex combination of excitement and anxiety, fear and determination. the first day i drove rufus to school i remember feeling so excited, so proud that i had done it and that it had gone so smoothly... but wondering all day how i was going to get back home at the end. in some ways this is easier because i already get the concept of working the clutch and shifting gears--but there is definitely more fear of imminent doom and destruction. i hope i can look back after 13 years of riding and feel as confident and comfortable as i do today about driving stick.

and i also took a new position at my work. i'm still on the same floor on the same unit, but i will be working on day shift for 6 weeks, then nights for 6 weeks, etc. in some ways it was a hard decision because it's a huge pay cut and a much busier shift. but i will say that i'm pretty excited to be like a normal person and sleep in the night for a few weeks at at time. there is definitely a part of me that wonders if all of this thyroid bullshit is somehow related to working night shift this past year. i know it's so bad for me, i feel how terrible i feel sometimes and try to remember what it was like to feel normal. i guess sometimes, in some ways, bad health things can be sort of good for you. i guess, despite all of my sadness and loneliness and questions with this and whatever is going to happen i am seeing how much my life is not how i want it to be. and i wonder if things will ever change. i don't know when i became a person to accept something bad just because it's easier than the unknown. and i'm not sure i respect myself very much for being that person. i have never been good at making decisions, especially big ones. i am good at taking chances and opportunities when they arise, but i am terrible at finding them. and so i pray that an opportunity will present itself to me.

anyway, this day was a very good day and i am happy for that. i barely slept, but i was awake for most of the daylight hours. i had a lovely breakfast with some lovely folks, spent the afternoon with my mom looking at antiques and chatting in a quaint nearby town, rode my motorcycle, and ate some ice cream. and i got the butter dish of my dreams (thanks mom!) and a pyrex casserole dish that is exactly like one i remember from my childhood.

this life is such a mystery to me. most of the time i like it so much. most of the time.

the great snail migration

2009-06-22T23:11:00.000-07:00

what a lovely night for a walk.

i watched the clouds turn a rainbow of colors as the sun went down. i watched as the headlights came on and started sparkling across the surface of the lake. i stopped to smell a delicious and enormous rose bush (and stuck my face right into a sprawling spider web...). and i sat on the sidewalk (for more time than i will admit) watching snails cross. i believe i have mentioned doing this in a previous post. what can i say. it's like how matt always stops and lets the box turtles cross. i guess i feel a little protective of the little guys or something. they just move so slow in a world that moves so very fast...
there were two left, there had been a third that met an unhappy demise before i arrived. i do not believe it was harmed intentionally, but was simply the victim of a careless or unobservant misstep. like most accidents, really. the other two were only about halfway across the stretch of concrete, and i know that this is precisely the time of night when people are out walking their dogs one final time before bed. so i sat down beside them and waited until they made it to the soft patch of grass on the other side. i don't know where they came from, or where they were headed. all that lay on either side of their path were houses and roads and more pavement. but i saw the shiny silver trails of many others stretching that expanse of sidewalk too, so it seems they have a plan. perhaps there is some sort of annual snail migration that happens, like how geese fly south for the winter. i'm not really sure, but i hope they make it safe.

i swear sometimes that i'm still five. i giggle at the bats flying overhead and feel giddy when the wind ruffles my hair. i can't not touch the fluffy grasses as i pass by or say hello to a stranger's dog. my favorite part about the snails was the shadows their long eyeball-feelers cast and i laughed out loud when the big snail turned them towards each other, looking himself in the eye. it's the little things in this life that make it so special, and that make me my happiest.

happy snail trails.

2009-06-19T02:04:00.000-07:00

when mac was swimming i was running late,
walking around new orleans looking for a birthday cake.
it was a great surprise to him so many people came.
nobody knows, darling.
nobody knows how they are loved.
don't worry, my darling, the sun's coming up.

let's get up early now, dive clear into the day.
let's get out of the car with open arms,
not wait to be embraced.
the flowers that grew, the things that happened
since the day you came.
nobody knows, darling. nobody knows how they are loved.
don't worry, my darling, the sun's coming up.

nobody knows, darling. nobody knows how they are loved.
don't worry, my darling, the sun's coming up.

happy (belated) memory day!

2009-05-24T20:22:00.000-07:00

most people think this is memorial day weekend. and it is. but few people know that it is also memory day weekend. yes, memory day. it's always the friday before memorial day. it is a day to make and remember memories with the ones you love. it only comes around once a year folks, and i highly recommend celebrating it next year.

today is beth's birthday, and for her gift i decided to make gherkin wheels. she loves gherkin wheels. i know, they seem so easy and simple to make, but there were a lot of specific details that i wasn't exactly sure about. like what kind of pickles to use. i never knew there were so many different varieties of whole pickle. but in the end they turned out pretty well. i am pleased, and hopefully beth with be too.

and actually, now that i am looking at the time, i best go.
happy birthday! happy memory day! what a weekend!

2009-04-12T22:20:00.000-07:00

"why burn your bridges when you can blow your bridges up?"

or in my case, blow them up and then try to rebuild them from the tiny little scraps, and then blow them up again and expect to still be able to cross them.

proverbial.

i am pleased at the reminder that i can live in easter sunday and not good friday. i think that as i get older (read "more bitter") i feel less certain of this. i feel less certain of who i was made to be, or at least less certain that that person is okay in the face of life's struggles and awkwardnesses and let downs. but today i remember that he is risen, and i am risen with him, and i have hope. happy easter.

2009-04-11T16:22:00.000-07:00

i want to do this.
and this.
please somebody come play!

play ball

2009-04-06T23:53:00.000-07:00

today was opening day. today was the beginning of my favorite season of the year--baseball season. today i wasn't even all that sad to be sick because it meant i got to stay home and watch the festivities and two full games. today i almost actually liked the mariners, now that ken griffey, jr. is back. he's just so darn likable...

it all began almost 3 years ago with a spur of the moment trip to cincinnati, a lovely day at the ballpark, a delicious root beer float, and a nice time with two delightful people. it was one of those days when life felt fun and simple and purely good. it is a day i think about more than i ever imagined i would at the time, a day that is very precious to me for so many reasons.
since then i have come a long way. now i study stats and watch espn and utter words like "wild card" and "southpaw." i have seen the white sox with michele, the mariners vs the reds with my dad, spring training with cara and dwayne... i have braved huge and unruly crowds of fans, overpayed for hot dogs and beer and cracker jacks, cheered and yelled and bonded with total strangers over unfair calls and great plays. and every time i feel the same way as i did at that first game 3 years ago.
i love it. i love it all. play ball.

2009-02-23T01:16:00.000-08:00

lately i feel completely and totally unmotivated to do anything. at all. right now i am trying to muster up enough momentum just to brush my teeth so i can go to bed--and wondering how gross it would be if i just skipped that tonight. i'm pretty sure that i am justified in blaming this lack of energy and feeling of general malaise on working night shift. although i admit that every now and then i wonder if there is something really wrong with me, like maybe i have chronic fatigue syndrome, or ms, or some sort of cancer sucking my energy away, or maybe depression. and the other thing is that i secretly fear/know that despite this crushing tiredness, when i lie down in my bed i will probably not be able to sleep anyway. this is my life right now.
as my body gets worse and worse the job has become marginally better. i'm getting my sea legs, as they say. (?)
i wonder if i'll ever accomplish anything useful ever again, or if i am doomed to go to work and never ever do anything else. like vacuum my filthy rug. or start my tomato plants. or do my taxes. or brush my teeth.
baby steps.

trip

2009-01-12T15:03:00.000-08:00

the first night i slept on a boat.

1/6/09
i went to this place called glass beach today. i read about it and expected it to wind up being stupid and disappointing me after going almost 2 hours out of the way to see it. but it did not disappoint me. it wound up being amazing. it is a very small strip of beach in fort bragg, ca, that in 1949 was opened as a public dump site. until the late 60's people threw whatever junk they didn't want into the ocean here. there are still bits of rubber and old shoes and various things mixed in, but overwhelmingly what remains is glass. small bits of smooth, polished glass that, from a distance, just blend perfectly with the rest of the stones and sand on the beach. but up close, when you step onto the beach, suddenly you realize just how beautiful it is. all of the various sizes and colors all shiny and sparkling in the sun... it was a magical place for me. it reminded me that people can really fuck things up and make a total mess out of things, but somehow it can still turn into something beautiful.

1/7/09
i wonder if tom brown would have known that i was pondering life's great questions by my sandy footprints in the dunes today.

it was a crazy and dangerous venture today. after many perilous miles through fog and rain and blustery winds, 101 was closed in both directions so i took 26 into portland. only 10 miles outside of the city i learned that I-5 was also closed, meaning that i was stranded in portland.
(many warm and heartfelt thanks to brooke and gabe, who kindly received me and made the unexpeted time a whole crapload of fun. i owe you what is called a "life debt.")

and so 2000 miles, 3 detours, and two extra days later, i finally arrived home.

reasons

2008-12-29T15:03:00.000-08:00

i know that there are some people in this world who really love night shift and want to do it forever. part of me gets that, part of me kind of likes night shift. i like being awake when most people aren't. i like that nights have less going on than days (although sometimes it seems that all the nutty stuff happens to kids at night and there's nobody around to call for help). i like the people on nights more than those on days. i like getting paid more.

but i don't like the toll it is already paying on my body. i don't like being asleep when most people are awake. i don't like readjusting my sleeping and eating schedules multiple times a week. it makes me feel sick. i don't like missing out on the few precious hours of daylight. i don't like knowing that people who work night shift have higher rates of cancer and other bad stuff. and when you add it all up and boil it all down, at the end of the day, what i mean is... i miss life. a nice person reminded me the other day that i am much more than my job. why is that so hard to remember?

tonight i am on call, which means that i will probably have to work. i said it before and i'll say it again: i miss life. i really, really do.

holy day

2008-12-24T14:52:00.000-08:00

this is a very strange christmas time for my family. we celebrated 11 days early because of the departure of the ohio crew. at the time things were all too rushed and quick to really feel very christmasy. and now, i know in my mind that this is christmas eve, but i really don't feel very festive. this is also compounded by the fact that i have to work all the time.

also (while i'm being negative nancy here), while this whole snow business is most definitely lovely and festive and very midwestern, it is beginning to get a little tiresome. and the reason is that nobody can do anything when things are like this because the city of seattle does not plow or salt the roads. which = treachery. i have seen more people walking about than ever before, but this has quickly become hazardous as well, as the sidewalks are now simply sheets of ice just like the roads, and they are uneven and bumpy. (but what's a walk about town without at least one good fall?) everyone else i know has had the luxury of getting "snow days," those lovely times of sitting at home in your pajamas and drinking tea and watching the snow fall outside while you're warm and comfy inside. yeah... nurses don't get those. turns out we have to work no matter what. i admit that i have felt more than slightly bitter as my housemates sit around drinking nice libations and making homemade pizza as i trudge out the door to make my icy way to the hospital.

and finally, i am dogsitting for these people who live across the lake, which is really not at all far, yet the previously mentioned weather has lead to some serious headaches in getting there. can i admit that i kind of just really want it to warm up and melt off soon? is that blasphemous?

wow...

and really, none of this should matter on this holy of holy days. it should not keep me from feeling festive or remembering the real point of this season. it should not keep me from enjoying my wonderful family, or from being thankful that i have a job in the first place, or from remembering the one zillion awesome things in this life of mine. i'm working on it.

well friends, i wish you all the best on this glorious and happy day.
merry christmas to you.

2008-12-24T00:26:00.000-08:00

i miss iris.

blerg

2008-12-22T14:03:00.001-08:00

what a waste of a day. it is 2pm and i have not slept in nearly 24 hours. thanks to the great white snowstorm of 2008 i was stuck at work until noon after arriving at 530 last night and then got home nearly an hour later. after taking a shower and eating a bowl of cereal it is 2 and i am wondering if there is any point in sleeping at all before just going to bed for the night later. if i sleep now it will either be a short nap that will inevitably make me feel like a barfy spaceman or i will sleep until dark night time and then just be up all night anyway. yet if i just stay up i will be fighting my heavy eyelids and the grumpies until bedtime and i almost definitely won't get anything useful at all done. blerg.

there is an awesome snowball fight going on across the street right now. four people and one million snowballs later and i will say that the one in yellow--who is THE MOM--is totally kicking everyone else's ass. not only does she have the best cover (behind the fence), but she also has the best aim, and by far the best strategy: she keeps aiming for the branches of the trees above so that these massive amounts of snow come spilling down upon the boys when they least expect it. niiiice.

i think i'm going to buy a cactus. i think i'm going to get rid of a bunch of crap. i think i'm going to use my extra days for things i want to learn like glassblowing and taxidermy and making lattes. i think i'm headed to the library now. i best check if they're even open.

rebellion

2008-12-20T01:36:00.000-08:00

would you call this "cute?"

"people say that your dreams are the only things that save ya.
come on baby in our dreams, we can live our misbehavior.
everytime you close your eyes lies, lies!"

i don't like the look of things right now, but i feel a bit trapped, stuck. that's the worst part.
i never listen to my gut and i always regret that because it's usually right. perhaps this time i should, whatever that means and however that ends up looking. because i don't know how much more of this i can take and i'm tired of wasting days. or nights, as the case may be. and this bleeds into everything else and taints the rest of my life so that i just feel really bad pretty much all the time. is it worth it? or am i just being a wimp? should i suck it up and tough it out or just move on now?
i honestly don't know the answer to any of these questions. i just know that this whole mess just isn't for me and it was never the point of any of it to begin with. so knowing that, now what?
sometimes i really hate being a grown up. it's really hard sometimes...

2008-12-16T15:02:00.000-08:00

it is finished.

2008-12-12T00:15:00.000-08:00

i'm just saying, there are so many things i don't understand about this world...
and my heart is broken.

who will win?

2008-12-11T01:00:00.000-08:00

i am tired. my family is celebrating christmas on sunday because half of them are moving away on monday, and i am not ready for it. i have presents for iris (of course), but that's all. i have a few ideas, some good, but i'm really not sure about the others. i want people to feel loved and appreciated by my gifts, which means that they have to mean something, be thoughtful in some way. i feel that i can be a very thoughtful person, but things like birthdays and holidays are hard because it means i have to be thoughtful on the spot. that's harder for me. anything on command is hard for me. i don't like to be told what to do... and also, i find that i would rather spend my time WITH these people instead of tooling around looking for things to show that i love them. right now i feel like the best way to love them is to give them my time and energy at the house anyway.

one nice thing (i'm trying to look on the bright side here) about people only being here for a short time is that it has encouraged me to explore this city more and do things i have wanted to but never felt the pressure. mostly that means seeing bands and eating at restaurants, but man has that been fun. i think that mostly i am still in total denial about what is about to happen. that's sort of how i roll, i keep myself ridiculously and unhealthily busy when things start to feel sad so that i can deny that it is about to happen, and then, just when i am about to totally fall apart, the thing that i have denied happens and i can't deny it any longer. i know that i'm doing this, but i don't really know how to stop it. and even if i could, feeling physically like crap is so much better than facing some realities...
true?
false?
bike?

2008-12-08T08:25:00.000-08:00

can anyone find me a better job? maybe one where you are?

i am a girl

2008-12-03T00:36:00.000-08:00

today i carried heavy things around and used power tools and got really dirty. i really enjoy days like these and feel very thankful that i have the opportunity to spend days like this. and my very favorite part is that at least one member of my family is always there. my dad said it well tonight: "i will remember working on this house with my family for the rest of my life." me too.

days like this make me feel both un-girly, and yet strangely more feminine. i'm not sure that i can explain that very well, but in the midst of all the manliness i guess i just feel my gender more fully. and a woman who knows how to use power tools is hot... or something.
actually, this is sort of a strange thing in my mind. naturally i am not a very girlie girl. i don't wear make up or jewelry or fashionable outfits. i wear jeans and t-shirts and sneakers. my hair is short--and it is just as likely to be unwashed as washed. it's not that i'm gross or slobby, but i tend to feel more comfortable in work clothes and dirt than dresses and perfume. i clean up pretty nice, but i just have very few occasions to do so. these are not traits that i feel bad about. on the contrary, i like these things about me. i like that i can hold my own with the boys. matt says that it's because i'm not afraid to do things that other girls would never try. i feel proud of that.
yet i also wonder if this is part of my "boy troubles." i recently found out that several of my lesbian friends thought that i was also a lesbian when they first met me. another recently told me that i was "borderline." perhaps i don't project the right message to the general public... i was also recently told by several of my closest people that it takes a long time to see my goodness. and i will say that it seems rare that people are willing or able to put this kind of time in. it's hard to say what all of this means, really. in all probability it means absolutely nothing.

well, i sure am glad we had this talk. i feel a lot better now.

contrast

2008-11-28T08:29:00.000-08:00

what a lovely and special thanksgiving this was. it all started with the obligatory and always enjoyable parade, which was at my house this year (delight!) and included an excellent breakfast provided by my brother and sister-in law. then there was a fun-filled afternoon of cooking and baking and preparing delicious foods and libations. dinner was at my parents' house, which is in the midst of a huge renovation and has come so amazingly far over the past few months. honestly, it was one of the nicest days i have had. i got to spend every minute of it from waking to sleeping with people that i love. my heart was as full as my belly.

i have to work tonight and i really don't want to. i really kind of hate my job. and i have had such a lovely time this week not working at all... i am incredibly thankful to have a job, and a good job that pays well and gives me excellent benefits. but truthfully that stuff has never really moved me all that much. there are more important things in my book. my goal right now is to make it 6 months in this position, which seems reasonable and responsible--two things i'm not sure i'm very good at. i am already brainstorming about what's next, and i'm getting really excited about the possibilities. i think there may be some big changes a'comin'.

1, 2, 3, 4

2008-11-19T12:16:00.000-08:00

i don't really know what to do with myself today. i know i have one million things to get done, but i can't seem to think of what they are and so time keeps ticking as i sit here and ponder. i think i'll make a casserole. and then eat it. also, i have to say goodbye to andrew, which is sad and also signals the beginning of the end. this is a time full of beginnings and endings--and even a pause or two. i have a lot of wonderings about what will happen in the coming months, but i will say that things sure are exciting right now.
i will now begin my casserole. and my shower.

is this thing on?

2008-11-17T17:38:00.000-08:00

remember when i used to post things on here?
there was a time when writing on this blog was a thing i enjoyed very much. in fact, i would even say that there was a time when it felt necessary to me, like saying things here took them from me and made me lighter in the process. weird, i know.
and now, because of those times, it seems strange to post other kinds of things on here. it was such a cathartic experience at one time that just posting regular things and facts seems odd.

it is the dawning of a new era...

so here's to a new beginning!

2008-08-31T18:39:00.000-07:00

hello and greetings from my new computer.
i feel certain that nobody ever checks this anymore, which really they shouldn't because i never post things. i can't say that i expect that i will suddenly be back to blogging on a regular basis, but there are definitely times i have felt like posting things and regret not being able to. so who knows. we'll see.
i start work a week from tomorrow. real work. the kind of work where i will actually be responsible for the lives of the children. i feel pretty ready to head back into the workforce after a nice and much needed summer break, but i am admittedly and understandably nervous. i love time off, and i hope to take a bunch every year of my life. but now it's time.
i had the luxury of going on a world tour of sorts this summer. three weeks, five stops, lots of friends and fun and nice times. i really love my friends and wish that we could all live in the same place again one day. or at least within driving distance. i am tired of being at least 2000 miles from everyone. i have spent a lot of time and energy cultivating relationships here, but after visiting some of my best people i realize that i am still missing a lot from my current situation. it is nice to have friends who are fun and funny and interesting. it is nice to have friends who make me feel fun and funny and interesting. why is that so hard to find? it's not that i sit at home and hide away from the world either. i actually do lots of things and meet lots of people all the time. it just never seems to amount to much. i wonder what will happen in the next few years. i wonder if people will figure out where they want to be and who they want to be with. i wonder what my family will do. i have this weird and unique situation where i can really go anywhere and find work, and i just want all of you to know that if you pick a place i will go there. if you are there it will be great and i am more committed to my people than to any place. so talk amongst yourselves and let me know what you decide. i'll even go first and get things ready for your arrival.
while wanting this more than pretty much anything, i fear that it will never actually be. and so i turn back to my beer bottle and the world wide web for company on this lovely evening, slightly saddened and a bit envious of the group of kids playing together across the street.

it's been a long long long long time

2008-06-30T13:07:00.000-07:00

my computer died a few months ago, which is why i haven't posted anything in a very, very long time. i've actually had all kinds of things to say--nothing useful, of course--but had no way to put them up here. and now they are lost to the recesses of time and my mind forever. oh well.
so many things have happened in the last few weeks, and now i'm just sitting here on this borrowed computer with allergies worse than i have ever experienced thinking of all the studying and chores that have piled up but that i still really don't want to do. it's summer! i want to play!
but not yet, little lizzo, not quite yet. it's a little frustrating sometimes. people think that now that school is over it means i'm free and have all the time in the world. but actually, the hardest (and scariest) part is still to come. now i have to take a test--one test--that will determine if the last three years of my life were really useful for anything at all. if i pass i am a nurse. if i don't... and everyone says that of course i'll pass. but people don't. lots of people don't. and i'm not going to lie to you or anyone else--i wasn't the best student last year. or any year, really. i can get good grades, but i take lots and lots of shortcuts that mean i don't really retain the material very well. anyway, i digress.
also, i know i'm new to all of this, and one of the most significant things i have learned over the past two years of nursing school is that we are so dang complicated that no one will ever really know everything, and even the basics will take years and years and years to get down. but i still can't even seem to diagnose myself and my own symptoms. is this actually just plain allergies? or are the signs and symptoms indicative of something more? it's hard to say. also, our bodies really only react in a limited number of ways to millions of things, so that makes it tough too. i hope that one day i will feel confident in my ability to give advice, knowing that it is actually based on something besides my best guess. or maybe that's all nursing really is.
i have to go see if my phone is locked in my boiling hot car, and if so, if it has melted or exploded yet. good luck!

we put the bs in bsn

2008-06-13T23:29:00.000-07:00

so...

i graduated this morning.
i knew it would all happen really fast, but it is kind of unbelievable that it truly already came and went. everyone told me there would be this great letdown at the end of everything, but like the ornery girl i am i didn't believe them. now i get it. for the past two years i have worked my ass off. and for the past three months i have worked more than 60 hours a week and gone to class. it's hard to follow that with nothing. i'm not really sure what to do with myself now... a thought i never, ever expected to have.

it has been a great time of celebrations and parties and happiness for all of us, though i must admit it is all slightly bittersweet. i can't help but feel a bit sad when i realize that we probably won't all ever be in the same room together again, or when i know that some of the people who helped me through some of the toughest moments in and out of school these last two years are leaving this place. my overactive sentimentality gets me every time. things change and as much as i am responsible for changing things i still feel it when they do. how deep.
also 6 out of 8 members of my family are moving in the next week, including myself, which is causing great upheaval in all of our lives. all 8 of us will be in seattle for a spell, something that brings great joy to my heart and confusion to my planning. i keep telling myself that one of these days it will become more clear. one of these days coming up, i'm sure of it.

congraduations class of 2008!
best of luck.

introspective

2008-06-03T04:53:00.000-07:00

my final paper is ready to print. my last real assignment as an undergrad (again) is done... it is a great feeling.
in mere days i will go back to only having one job and hopefully lots of free time. i have a lot of weeks of hard work to make up for--that's a LOT of fun things i have to do.
and i am daydreaming about summer plans. i have about a month off from the time i finish my tech job until the time i start my real job and i want to do everything. that is the story of my life. everything.

i am fighting with myself again. i have "decided" to take the job offer at children's, meaning that i will be staying in seattle for a bit longer.
hence the fight.
it is a strange prospect to think of staying here for practical reasons, which is what i am doing. i will stay because i know the hospital, i know the way things work, and i know some other people who will be working there. safe. all the nurses i know say that they cried and/or threw up every day during their first year of nursing. i figure it's a little easier to do these things with the people who have already seen me at my worst throughout this whole nursing school debacle instead of foisting my emotional self onto a whole new set of folks i know nothing about. safe. safe and boring. safe and dreary. safe and sleeping. i can't believe that i am choosing this. but sometimes i get scared too.
my way of justifying this whole mess is by deciding that for as long as i am here i will do everything. see, there it is again. i will do all of the things that i have always wanted to do and all of the things that come up that are interesting. i will go to beautiful places and play with as many different people as i can find. and maybe somewhere in there i will finally see why some people i know seem to love this place so much. and maybe i will finally feel the freedom to leave once and for all.

katie tagged me a long long time ago. i'll do that next time.

disorientation

2008-05-05T01:09:00.000-07:00

during this, our final quarter of nursing school, we each do our senior practicum at different sites around the seattle area. i am doing mine in the neonatal intensive care unit at a hospital in the suburb across the lake where i graduated from high school. we need to complete 240 hours--twice as many as most of the other schools in the state--which for me means 3 12-hour shifts each week. (i spend more time with my preceptor than with any other human.) normally this wouldn't really be a big deal, but my shifts are all 7pm to 7am. which wouldn't really be a big deal except that i also have classes during the day twice a week, and also i am still working 24-34 hours per week at children's. any one or two of these things would be fine. putting them all together is tough. i am busy a lot, and my body is completely confused about what is happening. thankfully though, i am now tired enough all the time that i can pretty much fall asleep anywhere at any part of the day or night. waking up is the tough part.

katie and steve have both left now. it's weird and a little sad to know that they're not so close anymore. i fear that i squandered my time with them, a reality that i regret and one that makes me want to call erin immediately. i still haven't even met her newest baby yet, which is simply wrong.

i am supposed to be preparing a presentation on c-sections right now, but i'm finding it tough to focus these days. did i mention that my computer died? as i told renea the other day, when i try to turn it on it says that my "cpu = 0." that seems bad... especially because all of my pictures and lots of my music is on there. sad times. i hope hope hope someone who knows things can fix it.

there are so many things i want to do when i have time again. 41 days, friends. 41 days. hallelujah. i miss life.

i got it bad

2008-04-30T00:48:00.000-07:00

i am not one to count down to things because i generally think it's kind of a silly activity, and plus i think it usually winds up making it feel like whatever i'm waiting for actually takes longer to arrive. but this time... oh yes friends, this time i am counting down the very seconds until it is finished, until i can throw those hideous purple scrubs in the faces of all the teachers and administrators who have dragged this program into the mucky muck and tarnished the profession of nursing for me forever and laugh and spit and tell them that i did it all without any stinkin' help from them anyway. i absolutely can not wait to be done with this chapter of life and get on to whatever is up next.
any ideas???
i've got a few...

explanation of benefits

2008-04-03T15:18:00.000-07:00

dear friends and neighbors,

it has recently come to my attention that i am human. and as such, i realize that i am not able to do everything. for most of my life i have tried to anyway, but no more!

many non-essentials are, therefore, being trimmed from my daily life, including-but-not-limited-to concern for this blog. that does not mean i will never update again, but it does, in fact, mean that it has been demoted to one of the last things on my list of priorities. there are simply too many necessary and time-consuming activities that take precedence, and i can not waste any of my scant precious energy feeling bad for not updating my blog right now.

i hope that you understand this position and do not take offense, are not upset, and do not look down on my weakness and limitations or my selfishness in wanting time for other things in life.

thank you for your time and patience.

best,
liz.

bringing it all back home

2008-03-20T09:36:00.001-07:00

i leave this place for good in about half an hour. it sure has been a good ride... i didn't get to do all the things i would have liked to, even over the course of nearly 3 months. to me that is a sign that a place is a good one.

anyway, i've got some last minute packing to do, some sandwiches to make, and a rainbow to enjoy. see some of you soon and some of you sooner.

winding down

2008-03-17T10:06:00.000-07:00

the wedding is done, the 'rents are here, and all too soon i will be on a plane home. well, first i'm on a plane to athens, which will be a nice buffer back into reality. hopefully i'll get to think a lot about these past two months, sleep a lot, and eat casa everyday. i definitely can not complain about my life...

more soon y'all.

whaaaat

2008-03-07T09:06:00.000-08:00

it is very hard to write things here these days. i think that partly it is because there is so very much going on that i can´t possibly express it all, and even if i could, the words i say here would not do things justice. i think also it is because the more time i spend writing the less time i spend playing. and i think partly it is probably because i´m not really sure there is a whole lot of point. i do not mean anything bad by this, but it is hard to believe that what i say will be understood by anyone who is not here with me right now. i could tell lots of stories (and i do plan to do this once home and able to process things and sort through the last 3 months properly), and post pictures, and say things about what it´s like, but the truth is that it really is not possible to make it "real" for anyone else. and maybe that doesn´t matter and maybe i am being small-minded by feeling this way. i appologize if this is the case, and i appologize because i am probably not giving any of you enough credit. but there you have it.

right now shannon and kristin and i are in guatemala. we have good adventures together. shannon and i randomly came across some folks the other day who convinced us to change our plans and hike up a volcano and camp for a few days instead of going to a famous market in a town a few hours away. and i will say that i can´t even believe that we almost missed out on this experience. it was one of the best things i´ve done in a long time. shannon expressed it best best by saying that it restored her soul. indeed.

again, the people we have met have blown me away. this time it has been a handful of ex-pats and travelers, some of whom are in and out of the country, some have been here a few years. i have been thinking a whole lot about all of the people i have met over the past few months. i have always known that i am a people person, that people are what make my life complete. perhaps that´s wrong somehow, or perhaps this makes me too dependent in ways that i shouldn´t be. i´m not sure quite yet. but what i will say is that this realization combined with all of these amazing people i have been meeting has been doing funny things to my mind. i´m not sure how to say this accurately yet, and i fear this may seem terribly rude, though hopefully not hurtful to anyone i know. but i really wonder what things will be like at home. i know that it has only been such a short time since i left, but i feel that a lot has changed--in me and in life and in my friends, and i don´t know what that will mean when i´m back in that other place. sometimes it feels that the more i do things like this that i really love and that make me feel whole in ways i can´t at home, and the more people i meet who are "like me" or who inspire me so much, the more i am divided from everything that is "normal" and "right" back home. the more this kind of lifestyle becomes a real possibility and the more i daydream about what i could do with my life, the less i feel understood by or connected to things i once held so dear.

granted, this is coming at a time when i am on the move and things are amazing. and i am certain that once i return home and remember all of the goodness there i will feel entirely differently once again. i guess i just wonder if i should...
sometimes i wish i could live life more than once. sometimes i wish i didn´t have to make choices, that i could do one life at home and one life of adventuring. is it possible to do both, to make a balance between these? i`d really like to think so. and i´d really like to give it a shot.

anyway, here i am rambling again, probably making little sense and a lot of trouble. i promise to share stories of the adventures soon. i´m headed to athens in a little over a week to see the ohio fam. my niece is huge and turning into a big person so quickly... which means that i will see some of you soon, and probably force you to let me verbally process through a lot of this with you. i´m telling you now so you can prepare yourselves mentally and physically for this challenge.

i hope you are all doing well.
love love love,
liz.

it is finished

2008-02-29T08:03:00.000-08:00

things here are done and now i am off to travel. this whole time is very weird...

anyway, i hope you are well and maybe one day i will actually say things that mean something on here again.
or maybe not.

later.

pensive

2008-02-24T20:32:00.000-08:00

hello hello
well, i had a pretty great weekend, including a healthy amount of time to actually think about things and deal with some of what has happened in my time here. i even sort of missed home this weekend. sort of...
i will say more about all of this later, but for now i'm pretty tired from a full day of travel, and we have to get up early early again tomorrow to be at the hospital on time.
hope all is well in your land.

the way it goes

2008-02-21T07:30:00.000-08:00

i had the barfs for a few days, but thankfully they're over. however, they made me miss a good trip this weekend, and now i'm trying to figure out how make the most of this long weekend that has become one day shorter. i gotta make it all count, you know? it's tough to have it so good...

hope you're all good and barf-free. the barfs suck.

surprise!

2008-02-17T18:47:00.000-08:00

this morning i spent three hours in the pacific ocean with my friend shannon and a lawyer-turned-surf-instructor having a very, very hilarious time. surfing (if that's really what you can call what we did) is a lot of fun and i am so glad we tried it out now--so we can do it again soon.

also, this experience and our excellent instructor redeemed what could have been a mediocre to bad weekend. without getting into it, i will simply say that the world is a very complicated and sometimes frustrating place.
a few good germans also helped improve the time.

if any of you want to hear more i have many entertaining tales to tell from today. let me know.

regardless, enjoy the pics. the first is of shannon and me practicing our awesome form. the second is me out on my longboard. they were taken by our instructor on a tiny waterproof camera that resembled a big watch on his wrist. i guess that maybe sometimes progress can be good.

yippy!

2008-02-12T15:01:00.000-08:00

http://www.explodingdog.com/title/anotherawesomeday.html

back home...

2008-02-10T18:25:00.000-08:00

in alajuela, that is.
it was a glorious weekend full of many wonderful adventures. i have decided that i could easily be a beach girl. i love the water and i love the sun and waves. i love the feeling of my hair being crusty with the saltwater and my body being crusty with sand. i love the smell of the sea and suntan lotion and the way that i feel after a day at the beach. yesterday we rented bikes and boogie boards and rode a few hours down the coast to the last town before reaching panama. i went for a run friday morning and came back to clean up only to find a crab in the shower with me. (we named him arnie, and then let him go.) we had fruity drinks and fresh fruit smoothies and i ate shark with coconut milk. we met bunches of fellow travelers from all over the world.

in search of the perfect waves.

hammocks=bed. we slept here at rockin' j's, and i will tell you that i really liked sleeping in a hammock.

doesn't this look like tropical paradise?

i am already dreading coming home... i am dreading reality, and decisions about my future. i am dreading millions of people asking me millions of questions and wanting me to do millions of things, i am dreading the loss of this perfect freedom, this lifestyle of whims and daydreams. i get to play and explore and have adventures here in ways that i have never experienced anywhere else. in places that aren't home, even the little things are more interesting. i feel like i'm living in a fairy tale. everything is magical.
i know that this probably won't make a whole lot of sense to anyone but me, but
i just find that when i am at my happiest i am also at my saddest, or most pensive, or most sentimental or something.
maybe it's just that i'm as tired as i feel.
i know it sounds ridiculous, but i was kind of sad to come back here today. i know, sad to return to the costa rican countryside. i am so damn spoiled! but the truth is, tomorrow it's back to work. i keep forgetting that i'm here for a reason...

today is done...

2008-02-06T15:19:00.000-08:00

and tomorrow, the beach!

we are going to the caribbean. we were told to try a delicious food called "riceandbeans" and to drink something called "toad water." mmmmmm.... i can't wait!

i'm having trouble finding space on my hard drive right now, which is why i haven't been posting more pictures. i'm working on it.
but for now, i'll be away for the next 4 days, lying on the beach and sleeping in hammocks. yes, it's true. we have had either all-day classes or clinical everyday for the past 15 days, so a little break will be very much enjoyed. but i will still study lots of spanish and practice with the people i meet. promise.

hope you're well!

whoah...

2008-01-31T15:23:00.000-08:00

sorry i have been away. our internet has been down for a few days, although i´m not sure i would have updated much anyway. the last few days have been crazy with a capital CRAZY. we started working in the hospital monday morning. we will be at five different hospital/clinical sites for 3-4 days each while we´re here. this week was (theoretically) just observation in one of costa rica´s public hospitals. they have universal health care here and it is AMAZING. and they have no army. so cool.

yesterday was one of the most incredible days of my life. yesterday i saw five new humans get born. i have never seen that before. it is crazy with a capital CRAZY.

anyway, i can´t really talk very long right now, and quite honestly i´m not entirely sure what to say right now anyway. i feel lots of things, including but not limited to a huge sense of freedom being here, away from reality and many things that suck most days. i love not having a cell phone, and again i feel a kind of freedom at being semi-unreachable. it is nice to not feel connected sometimes, as much as i long for connection. i don´t really know how to explain that, i guess. every day has something new and wonderful in it, even if it´s as simply as a new flavor of juice at breakfast or a strange new bug crawling across the floor. i am trying to figure out what to do during my incredibly long and unplanned spring break. our final classes/events keep getting moved up earlier, so i think i will get nearly a month to travel and play. if anyone wants to come on a voyage with me i could use a buddy. let me know.

time to head back for dinner now. thanks for reading all this crud. things can definitely be tough here sometimes too. when nine people are together allllll the time it can be rough, but i really think we´re doing a great job for the most part. i will definitely write again when i can. for now i am going to post this without even editing it, which is a huge deal for me. please excuse any errors....
love you friends. more soon soon.

a few pics

2008-01-23T19:55:00.000-08:00

this is the bus stop in alajuela.

here we are in the coffee field.

the whole 9.

cows in the road on the way up the mountain.

what i woke up to saturday morning.

on the way up volcan barva.

volcano #2: volcan poas.

pura vida

2008-01-15T18:02:00.000-08:00

this place is like summer camp for grown-ups. seriously. i'm having so much fun...

we work really hard during the daytimes, but we also play really hard in the evenings and on weekends. i think the most striking thing to me so far (aside from the absolute physical beauty of the things around me) is how wonderfully friendly the people here are. everyone smiles and says hello to everyone and people are so willing to help with anything we need. the warmth is especially shocking when coming from a place like seattle where it feels like people never want anything to do with each other. it's tough to make eye contact there (especially in winter when it's rainy and people have their hoods up or umbrellas low) let alone converse. but here it's like the sun has turned everyone's hearts into warm sloppy balls of kindness that simply must be expressed. i like it. it's my style.

updating is really hard to do very often. things here are moving really fast already and i know we'll be home all too soon. i also have youngest child syndrome--i never want to miss out on anything. blogging takes precious time...

i took a whole bunch of photos today on our 3 hour discovery walk. we ran across a coffee plantation and walked up to the security guard to say hello and ask if we could look around. before we knew it, the manager was out there with us explaining how the place was run and how growing coffee beans works. we wandered through the rows and rows of coffee plants for a while before heading back into the city to catch our bus home. on the bus we wound up sitting beside a woman who works at the centro where we live--knowing locals in a place really makes me feel home, or like i belong or something.

hopefully a few of the pictures i took will be worth posting. i know other people have tons of good ones, but i haven't gotten them yet or i would totally show them off.

why is everything in new places so wonderfully exciting? sometimes i realize that there are places and people that are really good for me. i think this time and place are really bringing out the best in all of us and it is so fun to be a part of it.

i hope you guys are doing well too.
as the ticos say, pura vida!

first week

2008-01-09T19:24:00.000-08:00

here are some highlights from costa rica so far:

adam met me at the airport, even though my plane was delayed and he had to wait for three hours. we took a cab to our place, but it was after midnight so the gate was closed and locked. after several minutes, much honking, and some preliminary exploring of the grounds, we called our teacher who lives about 50 yards up the road and slept at here place friday night. when we woke up at 7:15 saturday morning, bright sunshine was beaming through huge windows that overlook rolling garden-covered hills and the gentle mountains in the distance. before going to the centro where we will stay for these months, we picked two bags full of mandarin oranges from the tree in front of our professor's house.

i went to an atm to withdraw money in alajuela and decided to take out a fair bit at once in order to minimize bank fees, etc. the money here is called colones and there are about 500 colones to the dollar. i took out about $300--which translates to roughly 150,000 colones. carrying around that much of anything is pretty intimidating.

the bugs here are big. and there are lots of them.

i am in the dumb kids class for spanish. actually, i am okay with that. i am learning a lot, and in the past three days i feel much more confident and competent than i expected. and very appropriately, my teacher is actually a preschool teacher. yeah, that's about right.

so, things are going really well so far. this group of people is pretty rad and i feel lucky to be here with them. we work really well together and we get a lot done, but we also just really enjoy each other and have a lot of fun. i expect conflict to creep up on us--it is inevitable when so many people are in such close proximity for any length of time. but i think we will work through it like champs and be all the better for it.
for now i just ask that you guys would pray for my knee--it's worse than it has been in a long time and if it doesn't get better soon i will miss our group's first group trip--whitewater rafting. right now i can't even really walk too well because it's so swollen. i am feeling pretty frustrated and discouraged by this, mostly because i hate weakness and difference and i just wish i could figure out how to fix this problem and make it stop happening.
anyway, our internet connection really only works when you're outside and close to a nearby building. my butt is tired of these concrete steps and the bugs are really starting to get to me, deet and all.
thanks for being my friends and for supporting me and for reading all this b.s. to begin with... whether or not you believe me, i really do miss you, even in the midst of all the fun. hope you're all well, and i'll write more soon.

greetings

2008-01-06T13:21:00.001-08:00

i am here and it is great! i'm just saying, i could get used to this kind of living...
hope you're all well. photos to come.

peace out

2008-01-04T04:16:00.000-08:00

well, i'm off to the airport. it has been a crazy few days of getting ready, and i'm not entirely sure i'm there yet... but i guess we'll just have to see.
i don't know how predictable the mail is, but please send me things if you get around to it. i would love to get mail from you. the address is:

liz cooke
Curia y Centro
Diocesano de Pastoral
Diocesis del Alajuela
Apartado 943-450
Alajuela, Costa Rica

also, we mostly have the internet. i think that means we get it but then sometimes we don't. i'll update and e-mail as often as i can.
if you are the sort to do so, feel free to pray for things.
more soon, friends...

insert clever title here

2008-01-02T00:28:00.000-08:00

it's 12:32, i leave in two days, and what am i doing? packing? sleeping? studying spanish?
no, of course i am not. i am making belated christmas presents. because that is how i am. what i am currently working on was meant to be a birthday present long ago, but then became a christmas present because it wasn't done anywhere close to said birthday. only now it's way too late for christmas too. i suck.

i was just perusing some photos from our family's christmastime. i regret not getting one of the lot of us, but here's one that makes me smile:

i certainly do love that baby.

i decided that part of my anticipation about leaving this time has to do with how things will all change again when i get back. i will graduate, take (and hopefully pass) the boards, have to find a job--which means deciding what city i'm going to live in, and return to reality after the sheltered student existence i have been able to enjoy the last couple of years. costa rica has been this milestone in my mind for months precisely because of these facts. when i get back it's all nearly finished. hooray! and oh my gosh...

i wish you could see my to do list for the next two days. actually, it's probably best that you can't... let's just say that it is long. my friend elaine always makes fun of me for thinking so much about what i will pack when i travel, especially because i have done a fair amount of it. my problem--with most things in life, really--is that i am an overthinker. no decision or thought is straightforward, but given the moment and the circumstances, anything is possible.

one of the things on the list for tomorrow is getting a new battery for this computer so that i can use it whilst away. for now it is dying and so i'm out.

coming up...

2007-12-30T02:38:00.000-08:00

i leave the country on friday.
whenever i am about to go somewhere i always do this thing where i get what i can only describe as "pre-homesick." it's weird because i don't really ever actually get homesick when i'm away. and as soon as i step out the door to go i'm totally fine. but the week before i go anywhere--from a weekend visiting friends to moving to france--i get kind of anxious and clingy and moody. i've been like this since i was a little kid. i would have thought (especially after living abroad for a while and traveling a fair amount during my time) that i would grow out of it. but i guess not.
tomorrow is my last day of work for a few months, and i think i will look forward to returning to my job. that's a really weird concept to me, partly because i don't think many people say that and partly because realizing that kind of surprised me. but the people are great, the environment is so positive and upbeat, i get to play with kids, and occasionally i am even a bit useful. A+.
can i just tell you that i have a lot to do before i can leave? because i do.
there is always more to say but never enough time. i will try and update as i am able, but you have to promise to keep up with me too if i do.
okay goodnight.

merry christmas

2007-12-25T21:26:00.000-08:00

well what an awesome day this has been.

with everything going on at work and school i didn't really start thinking about christmas until a few weeks ago, and i didn't start shopping until a mere few days ago. yet this year i had all of my presents wrapped and under the tree by christmas eve--well, almost. i forgot that two were "hidden" downstairs until my parents reminded me this morning and i had to wrap them really quick and add them to the pile.
i would say that we all did quite well this year. i certainly feel incredibly lucky about all of the useful and super things i received. but i would say that i was much more eager for my family to open up the things i got for them than i was about anything i was getting.
i always want to be a thoughtful person who gives people things that they either really need or will thoroughly enjoy. but that can be hard, so usually i just wind up giving people the exact things they asked me for and know they will get, which makes them completely un-thoughtful and relatively boring, or i give them something that they didn't ask for but is a generic, universal gift item and again--boring. but this year i had a fun and clever gift for everyone, even if it was limited (sorry a & s...). the anticipation of their reactions was a whole lot more fun than the "thanks, it's exactly what i asked for" response i generally produce.

also (and much more importantly), it was at least as fun as i imagined to have my niece here with us. she's still way too young to get it and she was pretty tired for most of the day (she hasn't adjusted to the time change very well yet), but boy do we all love her. i knew how much i love her before this, but today i got to watch and see how much the rest of my family loves her too. it's weird how a tiny person who can't even really do much can produce such massive amounts of happiness and love in people. and it's neat how much love my family members produce and give to each other. way to be, guys.

so it has been quite a day. i woke up, sat around and drank copious amounts of coffee with my family, ate an awesome brunch, opened and gave lots of presents, walked around the neighborhood, watched a clint eastwood western, and polished off the traditional family christmas cookies and homemade eggnog. it snowed exactly for the duration of the present-opening festivities, making it feel like a winter wonderland but without being perilous. i talked to my grandparents on the phone, laughed a lot, and schnuzzled with my niece. all in all, not too shabby.

as a grown-up i don't get excited about christmas the same way as i used to as a little kid. i remember looking forward to christmas for weeks--it seemed like months--and dreaming of all the special decorations that would be around the house and all the treats that we'd make and all the great stuff under the tree christmas morning, etc. i remember my brothers and i would stay up as late as our little bodies could handle on christmas eve and we'd wake up and drag our poor exhausted parents out of bed long before dawn christmas morning because we couldn't wait a second longer to open presents and because we wanted the maximum amount of time in the day to play with all of our new stuff. there was a sense of anticipation and excitement leading up to the holiday unequaled by anything else. even my birthday paled in comparison. christmas had the feel of something much bigger and more important than any other event in the whole year.
i don't really know when that sense of wonder and excitement faded exactly, or why it seems to happen to all people as they grow up. but i will say that i had a bit of that feeling again this year. only this year it wasn't about the magic of santa and reindeer or because of the time off from school (which has been really nice, by the way) or the awesome presents that would appear under the tree. this year it was about all the gross mushy stuff i talked about in the first half of this post.

i love christmas.

2007-12-21T23:38:00.000-08:00

today is kind of like my christmas. today i got to pick up my family from the airport and bring them home so i can spend the week with them. best present ever...

the weirds

2007-12-15T02:22:00.000-08:00

i went to the dentist today. i think that from now on the dentist will always be a bad place for me. see, i have periodontal disease (that's gum disease), so it is more complicated now than it used to be. i have to go more often and it is more "involved." let's just say that i had to get novocain for a routine cleaning and leave it at that. lately they always tell me how sorry they are that my gums are bad, but then compliment me on what amazing teeth i have. i find this to be a terrible and feeble attempt at making me feel better because who cares what my teeth are like if they're just going to fall out anyway, right? hopefully i'll get to keep the real things for a bit longer... i fear the alternatives. and also, novocain is some weird stuff. i don't really like pain all that much, but i think i might feel the same way about novocain as i do about vomiting: if i never had to do it again i wouldn't. losing control over my facial muscles and expressions doesn't really appeal to me so much.

i also started my typhoid pills today. that is, pills to keep me from getting typhoid, not to give me it. this is one of the first times i've experienced real side effects from a medication, and i seem to have gotten most of them. it's a weird vaccine--it is in an enteric coated capsule, which means it can survive the intense acidity of the stomach and does not open until it reaches your small intestine. then, when it gets there, it opens up and lets out live virus. it is deactivated so it can't make you sick with typhoid, but your body doesn't really know that so it reacts as if you were fighting off the real thing. i wonder how many times they messed that one up before getting it right.

anyway, i'm off to bed now.
oh yeah, finals are over too. time has wings these days.

ape-polo-gee

2007-12-10T01:04:00.001-08:00

i am sorry i have been absent from blogland lately. it's just that things have been really, really unexceptional while i have been exceptionally tired.

good parts: jess was here, and we all saw the golden compass. it was pretty good, although we sort of wished there had been protests at pacific place. i have many thoughts about all the controversy but clearly will not post them now. or probably ever. it all seems very complicated, and even though i wouldn't mean to i feel certain that i would probably offend all of you. even you liberals. i'm just that good.

i leave in three weeks and four days or something like that. and there are so many delightful things to look forward to before then. i love this time of year.

just in case you wanted an update, my school's still dumb. tomorrow we have four hours of presentations that the students have put together. AHHHH. it is going to be mind-numbing and pretty much unbearable.

i told myself i wouldn't write this much tonight. i need sleep, stat. (that's nurse talk for "fast.")

smelly kid

2007-11-30T14:00:00.000-08:00

the first day of my first clinical ever, i noticed that the hallway outside the nurses' lounge smelled exactly like the cafeteria/gym/auditorium at normandy elementary school. the combination of floor wax and bad food or something...
last night the left-hand train elevator smelled like a hamster cage. every time i brought another patient to the floor there was that distinct wet cedary smell i remember from the days of rodent ownership.

in lecture two days ago the guest speaker had a stutter. i could see her thinking carefully as she spoke and intentionally avoiding certain words (such as "medication" or those with the letter w) because they were difficult for her to get out.

i have always had this soft spot for people who are "different" in some way, those who don't exactly fit in to what is considered normal or mainstream. i get anxious for them because i see that there is a kind of vulnerability there and i want to stand up for them and protect them from the shit that inevitably comes their way. it bothers me that they might be misunderstood or made fun of because i just don't really get why people do this to each other.
in athens i worked with a lot of the smelly kids, or the grown-ups who used to be the smelly kids. a lot of the time they were more fun than the good kids anyway. sometimes at work a kid will come in and people will talk about them like they're this huge weirdo with social problems or whatever. but then i'll take them to get some test done and realize they just didn't trust the person saying these things about them because they were worried the person would would say these things about them. because it happens to them all the time.
i don't know, i don't know why i'm even talking about all of this, especially here. i think i just wish people were allowed to be who they are and to figure out who they want to become without fear of judgement from other people. and i wish people could recognize that, just because someone is a little odd or not just like them doesn't mean they don't have good things to say and a lot to offer.
i guess that in a lot of ways i relate with the smelly kid. i get it. and i want to be at least one person who's not always pointing out that they smell.
plus, i know that sometimes i'm definitely the smelly kid too.

team sports

2007-11-26T23:48:00.000-08:00

on friday we had thanksgiving day, part deux--or return to thanksgiving day, as some of you may know it. it was delicious and delightful. i'm so thankful for thanksgiving.

every year i collect fall leaves and take them home and press them between the pages of the phone book under the weight of my heaviest and fattest textbooks.
the most wonderfully frustrating part of collecting fall leaves every year is the simple fact that no single leaf is able to capture all of the glory of fall by itself. i always go looking for the "best" ones, thinking that one or two will be more extra specially amazing than all the others. i generally search by color, looking for the most vivid yellows and reds, the green leaves with splashes of color overtaking them like a disease. i will gather a handful of perfectly lovely leaves, yet as i make my way home i always feel a bit unsatisfied. i know that what i hold is not really the whole picture but merely a poor representation of the splendor of the trees from whence the leaves came. fall is a team sport, and only with the effort of each player does it all come together. i wonder if god did this to make us think of the kingdom, or to help us realize that we're better when we all work together.
perhaps this is cheesebag imagery. but i see god in nature and i'm thankful for that.

also, now that thanksgiving is over my family is officially allowed to listen to christmas music. bing is serenading me as we speak. it may be a bit early to tell, but i think this year's going to be a good one. there's a whole new person to celebrate with! i love with all of my heart that i get to know her my whole life. i see god in that too.

hey, thanks!

2007-11-23T00:57:00.001-08:00

i know it's not technically thanksgiving anymore, but...

happy thanksgiving!
i love this holiday, and it has been a good one. first came the macy's parade, after sleeping lots and waking up late. this is a tradition. for as long as i can remember my family has watched the parade on thanksgiving morning. the holiday season officially starts for me when santa waves it in while delicious thanksgiving smells fill the house.

this year we were treated to the entire thanksgiving meal by my sister-in-law's family, so in the spirit of leftovers we're doing the whole thing again tomorrow. on a small scale. i can't imagine a thanksgiving without my mom's stuffing. for days. and days... when my parents were away i attempted to recreate it. i used the same recipe and ingredients and she even shared her secret tricks with me, but it still was not the same as when she makes it.

after dinner i won the hearts of the meyers by knowing that lepidopterists collect moths. i also made jello salad, cranberry sauce, and a homemade pumpkin pie from scratch. crust and all. it is possible that i will have a slice for breakfast.

now it is late and i must sleep. i am still a sicko and need my rest even more than usual.

i am one lucky girl, and even though i don't need a holiday to remind me of that, it sure is nice to get one. wishing you the best of thanksgivings, dear friends.

oh teddy...

2007-11-16T21:30:00.000-08:00

is it weird that it's a little bit hard for me to eat teddy grahams--or any such animal-shaped foods?

what is up

2007-11-10T16:09:00.000-08:00

how can it feel like i wasted the whole day when i know i got so much accomplished? i think it's probably because i didn't really leave the house--which feels kind of great and kind of gross. and that will be remedied here in a few minutes when i head off for an exciting night of work...

i like my job enough. the place where i work is like the disneyland of hospitals. everything is brightly colored and everyone is so nice. they have really great snacks and lots of toys and coloring books and stickers. the walls have murals and pictures all over them, my favorite being the hallway by radiology which has several images of different polka-dotted animals in space helmets playing instruments. it's a lot better looking than it sounds... although i also REALLY like the art in the whale entry across from the pharmacy. there is a huge glass whale sculpture hanging from the ceiling and the wall has a giant octopus painted on it whose tentacles, after reaching the glass doors, continue on as foggy etchings until their end. it's very whimsical and soothing. for a hospital it's actually a nice place to be. if you ever have to get sick i hope you get to go someplace just as nice.

but hopefully none of us will ever get sick or need to visit a hospital. i would have thought working in hospitals would help make this seem a little less bad, but honestly, it does not make that prospect any less terrifying.

barrel of laughs, bundle of joy.
whoopee!

sometimes

2007-11-08T23:34:00.000-08:00

sometimes it feels as if life is just slipping by, like a school of fish, and i can not grab hold to slow it down.

sometimes it feels like there is no way to take full advantage of every opportunity, meaning that one must either choose to do only one thing really well and miss out on everything else or to do several things sort of alright.

sometimes i wonder if there is something i am meant to do and i am settling for something else, something that is good enough and missing the whole point.

sometimes i wonder what might have been if...

sometimes i wonder what is to come...

sometimes i wish i could do everything and be everywhere instead of having to choose.

sometimes being a grown-up is great, like when you can decide to eat cake for breakfast and your mom won't yell at you, or when you can decide to stay up as late as you want reading a good book and writing all over the pages because you paid for it. but sometimes it is hard. sometimes i think things used to be so much less complicated.

sometimes, maybe even most times, i think too much.

sicko

2007-11-07T18:55:00.000-08:00

i feel crummy. crumby? crumbly?
yes, crumbly. like all of my cells are degrading and falling apart.
all of the germs at the hospital have finally gotten to me and now there is a microscopic war taking place in my innards. sometimes when i think of this i imagine tiny little knights in armor on horseback battling for control over my parts. (should this affect my qualifications as a health care professional? you decide.)
usually my immune system is pretty tough. i have spent years building it up. so when i do get sick i am a terrible bore. mostly i just sit around moaning. i would hate to have myself as a patient...

in other news i am suddenly in charge of creating a video presentation for my community health clinical final. i have never made a video before. i have never used a video camera before. and i have two weeks in which to complete it. i like that i get to be creative now, but i'm also slightly concerned because the final grades of 10 people is pretty much resting on what i come up with. sweet. tips from any of you pros out there would be appreciated.

i have to go lay around and moan some more now. all this typing has really worn me out. i am a wimp with a capital WIMP. at least i know it.

clean

2007-11-05T13:11:00.000-08:00

this weekend i cleaned everything. i had the house to myself, so i literally took everything out of my room, cleaned things, and rearranged the things that i actually need back into place. i also designed some new systems to help keep the mess under control in the future. it feels pretty good in here now, and hopefully all of the hard work will help me be diligent in keeping this place tidy now.

it also means that i didn't write the paper i was meant to write over the weekend. priorities... i don't get those. i also spent a ridiculous amount of time playing on itunes. i love it. you can find anything on itunes and that is great.

but now i have to make up for the choices i made this weekend and finish that paper. if i focus i could finish this thing in an hour.
yeah right...

wise words

2007-11-05T00:15:00.001-08:00

"the future will soon be upon us."

thanks jessm.

i love her

2007-10-29T18:17:00.001-07:00

lunch time

2007-10-26T23:09:00.000-07:00

i am at the hospital on "lunch" break. it is 11:10pm. i totally just had the cool kid's lunch... if i were in 7th grade. pizza lunchable, apple slices (pre-sliced and packaged in a bag) with a small tub of peanut butter, and a mini halloween-sized twix bar. yes, there is clearly no other place i would rather be on friday night.

tonight so far i have:
-watched a kid get his arm put back together;
-nearly catheterized a kid (he peed as soon as he saw the catheter...);
-and witnessed a teenage drug-induced riot.
sometimes i really wonder if this is actually my life. and if it is, why i am not working for the usps instead.

two and a half more hours of fun!

the godfather is on in the breakroom. which, by the way, is called "tom" and used to be the old morgue. if i keep saying things you will start to think i am lying. plus, my break is pretty much over. bye!

take that, san francisco

2007-10-22T22:18:00.000-07:00

i did it.
and let me tell you, that bitch was hilly.

thanks to all of you who kindly and lovingly supported me, either with your encouragement or with your dollars or with both. you made it happen.
and thanks to km and cs for daring to hang out with me after the run, even though it could have been a real nightmare. you lucked out and i turned out fun.

now i'm home and real life sucks. what a bummer that is...
this quarter can just go straight to the principal's office. and no arguing about it!

i best be off to bed because real life is full of stinky things that start early tomorrow. i'm already behind and the day is still hours away. boo.

but i get to wake up tomorrow and remember that i did it. and no matter what else happens that will still be true.

p.s.

2007-10-18T21:30:00.001-07:00

there is a bug on my curtains that looks like a hammerhead shark with legs. it's partly awesome and partly scary.

here we go

2007-10-18T17:16:00.000-07:00

today was my last run before the marathon. i leave in the morning.

it is blustery out today. the clouds were moving so fast it was like a time lapse video. at one point it felt like the world was sideways because the wind was blowing so hard that the leaves coming off the trees were completely horizontal. it was neat.

go indians!
i hope the indians win. it can still happen.

i have a crapload to do still, so i'm off. here i go...

2007-10-15T02:26:00.000-07:00

i am very tired.

these days

2007-10-12T17:54:00.000-07:00

on the bus on the way home there were two grown women sitting close and whispering and telling secrets and then giggling like school girls. they were drawing way more attention to themselves by trying to be all discrete than they would have if they had simply been talking normally.

the nice girl in the tuition office was causing heaps of trouble by trying to be so helpful and upbeat. she was giving advice to people that had nothing to do with their situations and holding up the entire line instead of just letting people pay their stinkin' bills. but at least she was massively and sickeningly positive.

this kid came into the hospital the other night coding. he was physically dead and they were doing chest compressions and ventilating him. i have never seen that before. they had to put him in the same room as a family with a two day old baby, and the new parents sat there watching the whole fiasco. i can only imagine what they must have been thinking. actually, i bet i can imagine it pretty well. they brought him back and he will be mostly fine, but man was he close.

five hours of sleep feels really good after a few days of less than three.

i'm off to the soccer game.

mix it up

2007-10-09T21:39:00.001-07:00

i highly recommend reading the book extremely loud and incredibly close by jonathan safran foer. it is good. very good.
now i am reading the old man and the sea by ernest hemingway. i love ernest hemingway. he keeps it simple but says it so well.

i have been listening to my halloween mix lately. you all wish you had this mix, even if you've never heard it before. it is pure genius. if i had any time or a house i would have a party solely for the purpose of playing this mix for the whole world. it was a gift and i would like to share the joy is has brought me.

a bunch of my friends from my running team ran the portland marathon this weekend. no, that's not the one where the people died. that one was in chicago. (has anyone heard from talya?) i run a marathon in 12 days. i think it's interesting that i can feel ready and nervous at the same time. part of me doesn't want it to be over. you work so hard for something for so long, and then it's just over. all that build-up and then... that's it. but at least i get a commemorative tiffany's necklace so that i can remember it forever. or something.

and away i fly on my broomstick. this halloween mix is so good...

non sequitur

2007-10-02T23:49:00.000-07:00

they say it's not supposed to be easy. good, because it's not. and maybe i like it that way. maybe i want it to be tough. maybe we're all crazy like that here.

$1000 to go.

i have absolutely no idea what i'm supposed to be doing these days. i have not done anything to prepare for this quarter. recently i have painted my fingernails purple and watched the first season of grey's anatomy. i actually think that has been the most motivational thing i've done so far this quarter. i don't feel guilty for ordering the next season from the library because a few episodes of that actually make me look forward to studying. i'm not saying it makes sense. but if it works i'm just going to go with it.

remember how i still don't know spanish?
yeah, me too.

sorry for the randomness. well, not really sorry, but something.
and now i will go.

time's a-tickin'

2007-09-27T14:09:00.000-07:00

does anybody else want to support my marathon??? i have mere days to raise the rest of my funds, and could still really, really REALLY use the help.
plus, it will make you feel so good inside. and i'll send you a thank you letter. which will make you feel even better.

the madness is mad.ness. i will be tired all the time. and probably uncomfortable with things--until i get bored. there will be about four days in the middle when i am happy to finally have the hang of things, but that will still be another month. for now, i'm simply weary thinking about everything that has to happen and is to come. it's all about the baby steps. bite-sized morsels. chips of life.

also, i am sorry.

and finally, MARATHON.
do it.
please and thank you.

like a kid in a candy shop

2007-09-23T23:38:00.000-07:00

music stores and used book shops. enough said.

the madness starts tomorrow. it was nice knowing all of you.
and if you get a moment, pray. i am feeling anxious. life is much too full for one girl over the next month.

thanks.

i wish i were a little bit taller

2007-09-20T20:55:00.000-07:00

right now i feel like a whiny little kid about everything. but i don't want to clean my room! (i just want it to magically already be done.) i don't want to go back to school! i don't want to start a new job and have to readjust my schedule again!

sheesh. i drive even myself crazy sometimes.

really, all i do want to do is read books and sleep for days.
it has been a good summer overall, and really, i actually am looking forward to heading back to school and i'm totally excited about the new job. it's just the transition part of it all. i hate the getting started part, the part where i'm not really sure where i'm supposed to be going or what people expect of me, the part where i'm new and have to ask zillions of questions all the time instead of knowing even simple things. i hate feeling incompetent and needy. i know that in a month i will be settled in and things will be better. it's just waiting out the beginning of it all. can i say "humble?"

running log:
training has been mentally challenging lately--i have had to really work to get myself out the door the past few weeks and stick to all the miles the schedule tells me to run. i hate that. i don't want to get to the marathon and wish i'd done more to prepare. but i also realize that part of my trouble is that i'm not really being very sensible about myself and my goals. the thing is, contrary to popular belief, i am not an elite athlete. really. but i want to be. i keep thinking that i should be able to run at a certain pace or that certain routes should be a lot easier than they are.
but what i have been missing is that i'm still doing a lot of hard work, and overall i really have made a fair bit of progress. why is it so hard to just be happy with all i am able to do instead of always wishing i were capable of more? it means i fail every time i go out instead of accomplishing something great. defeatest attitude = messed. up.

welcome to my inner workings. feel free to leave at any time.

i think all of this is fall's fault. this time of year is always a bit melancholy and it seems to make me feel a bit anxious and overwhelmed each year. i will comfort myself by buying new school supplies and a new school outfit. and maybe even a lunch box...
hey, it worked when i was a kid.

the time has come

2007-09-19T14:26:00.000-07:00

well, it's that time again. time to go home. time to return to reality and all of the chaos of starting school and real life again. i must say, vacation is nice.

i will tell you all that, while i like you a lot, my niece might be my favorite person in the world right now. i never really realized how much i would love her until i actually met her and we got to hang out. it's hard to live so far away.

the internets are free at the columbus airport. it ain't so at most other airports, which kind of surprises me and kind of makes sense. i would have thought that some of the bigger airports like chicago and minneapolis would surely offer the internet--which they do, but of course they charge you for it. seattle is the same way, which in my peabrain seems somehow wrong. columbus = free. seattle = pay. perhaps it is the midwestern hospitality in action. or something.

also in the columbus airport there are police officers on segways. i have never seen this at any other airport either. if i am honest with you, i kind of think that segways are wrong. they make me mad. why can't people just walk? what is so wrong with walking? internets, segways... perhaps columbus is just very technologically advanced.

16 teenage boys in red and navy warmup suits just walked by. they are clearly a team of sorts--three of them are sneaking away from their one adult chaperone and heading to wendy's. one time when i was young i snuck away from summer camp. i can't imagine the fear that the counselor felt when she counted her campers and found me missing... at least these boys are a little older and self-sufficient.

well, it's time to go through security and get to my gate. i have traveled a lot in my life, and sometimes it has been for fun and sometimes it has been sad. airports always make me think, i always wonder where people are going and coming from and why they're traveling. it's a little universe all boiled down and condensed into one small building.

deep thoughts complete. i will now put my shampoo on the conveyor belt and take off my shoes. catch you later, bill and ted.

full circle

2007-09-12T21:39:00.001-07:00

one year ago today i left athens in a cloud of dust and chaos. it was about this time that i was reaching chicago after driving through horrific downpours of both rain and tears. what a time. now i am on my way back, if only for another short visit.

i know it seems like i'm always looking backwards and reflecting on things in the past, but this last year has really held a lot of big stuff for me. i think all of the looking back helps me to see how far i have come and how much i have to look forward to in the future. i think this year is going to be a pretty big one too, so get ready for more ponderings from my past.

as i was waiting for my connection in the salt lake city airport this afternoon, i witnessed a woman in a bright red sweatsuit doing some pre-flight yoga. normally i would have been mildly impressed, or at least understanding of these health conscious activities. but in this case she was performing some very scandalous moves while on a bench in the middle of the terminal. parents and their children passed by her while she did series after series of various pelvic tilts atop her makeshift stage. more than a few conversations halted as pilots and passengers alike caught site of her bending in unnatural ways and "deep breathing" very loudly.

when things like this happen, i tend to feel uncomfortable. it seems to me that this sort of display should embarrass that person, and the fact that it doesn't or doesn't enough to keep them from doing it makes me think. am i just too concerned about what other people think, or should i feel even worse for that person because they don't even have enough sense to be embarrassed?

probably both.

and also, i got a job! it's in the emergency department at children's hospital. i'm really excited and more than a bit nervous. everything will be starting at the same time: school, this job, my psych rotation and my community health rotation... it's pure madness, i tell you!
but in a good way.

tidbits

2007-09-04T23:14:00.000-07:00

i got a lovely 4-day weekend, complete with jessica meyer, mt rainier, a half marathon, and even a tiny bit of sleep.

today was my last tuesday at work. tomorrow is my last wednesday.
hoo.ray.
and yet i always seem to get a bit sentimental at endings. i know it will actually be really good for me to get away from the negativity and stress of that environment, but there are a few good men it's tough to leave behind.

this evening i walked home from work because i was supposed to have a phone interview with a lady at children's. i really really really hope i get a job there. i didn't think they would follow through on my interview because i'm going to be gone winter quarter and they don't like this. and what it seems like to me is that when they interview you, it generally means they plan to offer you a job. the lady never called, which was weird and a little annoying. but really all it meant was that i had time to stop and pick 800 pounds of blackberries from a bush in the neighborhood. the delicious berries were literally falling off the branches, so i didn't feel bad at all about how many i ended up carting home. i will make jam and pies tomorrow. yummmm. that is one thing about seattle that i really love. blackberry bushes abound.

hotmail does not want to send you my letter. which makes it tough to ask you for money. please do not hesitate to go to my marathon site and donate lots. i need an embarrassing amount still, and i need it by september 15. yikes.

s.o.a.p.

2007-09-02T00:59:00.000-07:00

it seems that just when you feel like things are really calming down and finally kind of normal, that's exactly when something totally unexpected happens. life has an amazing knack for being completely unpredictable, non?

in nursing there is this thing called a s.o.a.p. note. you use this format when initially assessing a patient to see what's going on and what should be done about it. the letters stand for subjective, objective, assessment, and plan. and really, this isn't a bad formula to use for things that come up in life either.

first you ask the patient what they think is going on: explain the problem, how does it feel, what makes it better or worse, etc.; this is when the patient tells their side of the story.
then you do an objective analysis of physical systems and conditions: heart rate and rythm, blood pressure, pulse rate, temperature, oxygen saturation, reflexes, condition of injuries, etc.; this is concrete evidence that might indicate dysfunction or problems to cause whatever ailment the patient presented with.
the assessment combines the first two sets of data to form a diagnosis of the patient's condition.
and finally, a plan is created to address the problems related to the diagnosis and either fix said problems or make them bearable for the patient to live with.

honestly, i don't think this way naturally. and i don't even really use this format very often unless i am told to directly by an instructor or employer. but i do think it is a pretty useful way to address problems. i like that it includes both a subjective and an objective portion before coming to any conclusions. i think people often think these two are separate entities, but our minds and bodies are so connected. and i like that it is so methodical and organized because i have been known to be more emotional than practical, and this provides a systematic and balanced way of dealing with problems.
oh nursing school, look at what you've done to me...

mamma said there'll be days like this

2007-08-31T18:18:00.000-07:00

i didn't go to work today. my reason to go left two weeks ago, and since then it's really just been the paycheck i look forward to. i'm already selling out. great.

i wish my room were bigger and had less stuff in it. it is much harder to keep small spaces tidy. especially when there is no system to begin with.

i am running a real, honest-to-god half marathon on monday. i'm pretty excited about it because it will give me a much better idea about my pace and also will remind me what races are actually like. my first race ever was a half marathon. i remember standing at the start line and being gawked at by a handful of older women who thought i was nuts when they found out i'd never run any shorter races before and that i trained by myself. and i don't mean in an impressed sort of way.
this time i'll be more prepared. so watch out...

one day is not enough time to get it all done. i am happy to have crossed off many items on my list, but the list is still long folks, and next week i head back to work. but it's my last week for the summer. after that i visit iris and then have tea with matty and then start back to school. i can't help but fast forward through the whole year and suddenly i'm done and on to the next thing. whatever that is...

today i feel overwhelmed and tired.
remembering about the increase in tuition and the decrease in loans didn't help with that.
okay bye.

m.i.a.

2007-08-26T10:32:00.001-07:00

no, i am not dead. we didn't have the internets for a while. and i do not mean just at our house, but in the entire neighborhood. our house has had some technical glitches over the past few months, but this time it was not just us. i went to several of the local cafes to try and get online, but was informed that their wireless was also out. we sure do rely on technology for a lot in our society. i felt sort of lost without it, or at least very disconnected from all of you.

i ran farther yesterday than i ever have before in my life. before then the farthest i have ever gone was the half marathon i ran in 2001. last week i equaled that; yesterday i beat it by two miles. baby steps, folks. baby steps.

i am going to meet ellen now so we can have some more nice times. just so you know, i like it when people come to visit. (hint, hint...)

transitions

2007-08-19T13:37:00.000-07:00

it will soon be fall in seattle. the days are becoming noticeably shorter and the temperatures are cooling. today is the first chilly and drizzly day we've really had all summer, and it is reminding me of what will come in only a few short weeks. it is also reminding me that school will be starting up again soon, a thought that makes me both excited and depressed at the same time, and also makes me want to go out and buy school supplies and a new outfit.

yesterday was elaine and ryan's wedding. i was amazed by how perfectly it fit their personalities. elaine arrived at the aisle on the back of a scooter and friends performed the entire ceremony. the reception was basically a big dance party in their backyard and everybody--i mean EVERYBODY--danced for hours. there was a little bit of everything, and even when the rain started people kept dancing. we got wet and muddy, makeup ran, hairstyles drooped, and still people danced. people danced long after the bride and groom had left, which was exactly what they would have wanted. nice work you two.

i have so many letters to write that i should get started. maybe you'll hear from me soon.

truth

2007-08-15T23:18:00.000-07:00

i know it's totally disgusting, but i'm going to bed after having run without bathing. i'll do that when i wake up in the morning, for several reasons, including but not limited to exhaustion, laziness, and the fact that sleeping with wet hair is both very annoying to me and causes some serious styling issues in the morning.

my dad laughed (kind of uncomfortably) when i told him that sometimes i shower wearing the clothes i have just run in. honestly, i think it's kind of brilliant. i mean, i'm dirty, the clothes are dirty... i don't do laundry anywhere near enough to always have clean running clothes. so this kills two birds with one stone, as the proverb says. i like to think that this is a prime example of me learning to better multi-task. as is brushing my teeth and writing a blog entry.

it is a semi-reasonable hour and i have the chance to go to bed now, so i'm going to take it. more soon. no really, more soon.

riddle

2007-08-12T21:19:00.000-07:00

if two black cats cross your path in opposite directions, is the bad luck negated?

last night was my fundraising party for the marathon i'm running in october. initially i had high hopes of raising all kinds of money through this event, and i think it had real potential to do so. and although it was not the financial success of my dreams, it was still great fun. the theme was "flashback to elementary school field day and kegger." all of you probably got the e-vite... i think the highlight for me was the homemade corndogs prepared by charles. although the karaoke at the end of the evening was also quite amazing. who knew bob could sing like that?

every time i have ever raised money for anything, i find myself delighted and surprised by where it comes from. people you never expect to give in the first place wind up being the most generous, and people who have nothing still give what they can, or put in hours of labor in place of cash, or both. it is hard for me to ask people for things and hard for me to accept things that people give. so when i go to my fundraising page or look at the checks people have sent and see who has given what, i am humbled and thankful. what a strange and excellent side effect of this whole process.

my dad has generously offered to donate several batches of homebrew to my fundraising. we're selling six-packs for $15, so if you're in the area and want some delicious beer, our first batch will be ready next week. which will be perfect because i have the keg for the rest of the week...

epidemic

2007-08-09T23:55:00.000-07:00

P.A.S.
it is everywhere.
jenny, you are wise beyond your years. i'm just sad this affliction exists at all.

a few words on running

2007-08-02T22:24:00.001-07:00

i have run just about every day for the past year now--a fact that i do not even slightly take for granted. i love running. i would say that it is a kind of worship for me; it is a time when i am able to recognize and enjoy the complexity and intricacy of my body, to be amazed by and enjoy what the human body can do, and to be outside in whatever elements happen to be present. i feel connected to something bigger when i run. i feel healthy and alive. i feel like a commercial right now...

honestly, i don't know what i'd do if i couldn't run. remember that time when the doctor in athens told me i had the knees of a 70 year-old woman and i should never run again? thank you Jesus that he was wrong.

i know that to many of you this doesn't make any sense at all. sometimes it doesn't to me either. it's not that i'm any good at running, or that it doesn't sometimes hurt, or that every run is some amazing out of body experience or something. but i still really like it.

perhaps it is because you don't.

anyway, i'm getting close to the halfway point in my marathon training. that is hard for me to believe yet i know i'll be at the start line before i know it. theoretically i'm supposed to have a huge chunk of money by next week, but i don't. i guess i'm getting closer, as donations from people i really never would have expected to support me are trickling in. that's the funny thing about support: you really never know where it will come from.

i think perhaps i will create a post called "liz's running story of the week." here's my first one:

does anyone remember the time that jenny ran over a squirrel on her bike? well, last week while i was heading out past the red cross, i heard a faint chirping sound coming from beneath the steps. i was heading directly towards the building across a gravel parking lot, and once i reached the driveway of the red cross i would turn left towards the park and my long run for the week. it was insanely early and i was exhausted from the festivities of the preceding days, and so i wasn't what i would call "fully conscious" at the time. as i hit the driveway, the chirping quickened and a small black speck came dashing across the parking lot right at my feet. it all happened so fast i wasn't even alarmed until my foot was coming down directly onto the tiny critter scurrying at me and i realized it was a mole and i was about to crush it. now, i know i'm really big compared to a tiny mole. and also, they're blind. but i confess that i was scared at this moment. it seemed very notable and bizarre that a tiny blind creature in such expansive surroundings would just happen to wind up beneath my quickly moving sauconys. was this some sort of mole suicide? a cry for help? was it a kamikaze mission, or a dare inspired by the rest of the mole community? (there was definitely a lot more chirping going on under those steps...)
regardless (and thankfully), i was able to somehow perform a kind of pirouetting grand leap at the last second that kept the death blow from taking that little life that day.
very graceful.
who knew running could be so perilous to wildlife?
i hope that little guy finally got the help he needed after our encounter.

what a week

2007-07-29T18:40:00.000-07:00

this was a week of happiness and love for everyone else...
which meant a week of doing whatever they wanted for me.

i really, really loved it though. there are these people that i get to have in my life for some crazy reason who are just so amazing. and i am honored that they allowed me to be a part of some of the biggest and most significant events that will ever happen in their lives this week. i find it odd that, in the times when you think you are in a place to bless and care for someone else, you often wind up being the one blessed. how does that work?

for those of you whom i had intended to see but didn't, please don't be offended. i just really wanted to be with my niece as much as possible. i have a new wonder and respect for all parents out there. and the idea is more daunting than ever, not because of all of the insane changes in body and schedule and lifestyle so much as the unbelievable amount of love that little humans create in those who made them. love like that scares me a little bit...

and the wedding sure was lovely too. i don't know if i could ever get all of that stuff pulled together. there are just so many people to organize and details to arrange. and neither the bride nor the groom even live in town anymore. yet it worked out and all went smoothly. i met some of my most important people's most important people and got to spend some time with some of my own that i haven't seen in a while.

happiness and love sure can be tiring, though. i'm totally beat, mentally and physically. this was not an "easy" travel day, and also, training for a marathon in all this madness is a bit of a challenge. and also, i really can't believe i have to go back to work tomorrow.

life is an amazing ride, no? i like it so much.
thanks for being part of it, friends.

2007-07-20T00:45:00.000-07:00

a baby's a'comin'-- woo hoo!!!

look out world...

fast forward rewind

2007-07-19T23:30:00.000-07:00

i got my hair cut today. i now have bangs, which i haven't had since fourth grade. if i didn't trust julia so much i'd be scared about this, but i feel like she hasn't led me astray yet so i'm just going with it for now. plus really, it's just hair. i only hope all goes well with the bridesmaid hair next weekend. that can be tricky anyway...

sorry for the pressure of that last post. i have become a bit concerned about this whole fundraising thing lately because it's not going so well. the running part is going great and my mileage is steadily increasing. my body feels strong and i am starting to think this whole thing might really be doable after all. the money part is what worries me now, but i'm just going to believe that it will happen in good time. i think maybe i talk too much about the running part and not enough about the good cause part. it's just that i'm so selfish that all i ever think about is me.

it turns out that my favorite resident will be around for four more weeks, he's just switching to a different clinic. i feel kind of relieved by this, actually, because he has been a bright spot in the midst of some dark attitudes. it will be nice to come back to at least one friendly face.

it's time for me to put the bangs to bed. i will most certainly be seeing some of you very soon, and boy am i looking forward to it.